AfterMATH

Today was the day that my two take-home tests were due, and I had an in-class test in Abstract Math. I'm so glad it's over. I can't remember ever pushing myself through such a tough period of academics and I've come out the other side ok. I didn't binge, isolate, shut-down, or shut-off. I let myself have my feelings, but didn't let them sideline my life's responsibilities. This is due to my recovery from compulsive eating. I can't wait to see what this world has in store for me. I just need to remember to stay open to world's messages. I love life, whether "I want out" or I'm as happy as a clam. I am thankful for that gift today.

I'm living,
Paul Jackson

Food

b - bowl of cereal w/ milk
l - 12 subway club
d - 2 hot dogs and a can of corn.
later on - some hummus and flatbread

throughout the day - I had about 10 pieces of Halloween candy

Yellow Light Day

Food for Yesterday

B - bowl of cereal w/ milk, 1 piece of apple cake
L - 1 and 1/2 PBJ w/ milk
D - 2 chili dogs, some chips, cheese and chili on the side, and a piece of apple cake

Yellow Light Day

Weight Report

I finally got to 24 Hour Fitness to weigh myself for the month. It has been an amazing autumn in Omaha, so I've been doing all my execising outdoors. My weight is 452, down from 462 last month.

Food

B - Bowl of oatmeal
L - 2 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks
D - Vegetable Fried Rice, 2 Eggrolls, 3 Crab Rangoon, 3 Chicken Wings Pieces

Green Light Day

Food 4 10/26 & 10/27

Friday - 10/26
B - Bowl of Cereal w/ milk
L - Falafel Sandwich w/ fries and bowl of tuna casserole
D - El Kitchen Sinko Nachos
Yellow Light Day

Saturday - 10/27
B - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Through the day @ work - 3 breadsticks, 2 bites of pasta salad, 2 bites of a brownie.
D - 2 Bowls of chili w/ fritos
Desert - Small Brownie with a scoop of ice cream
Green Light Day

I want out

I have been feeling really trapped inside myself the last few days. I haven't done the things I've been needing to do all week. I feel like right now life is to hard to live. I want things to be easier. I know that sounds lame, but I don't feel like I have the energy to go forward and do anything right now. I'm feeling really fearful, and I want to get to a better place. I know there is some work that must be done like; taking a shower, cleaning the kitchen, start working on my philosophy paper, study for my stats test Monday. I've just been beat down with sick whiny children all day, and I am wiped out. However, I can't afford to get anymore behind with my responsibilities. My food has been out of whack the past 2 or 3 days. I know that's a good place to check my barometer, but I just don't want to be a food addict today. I want to let loose into my old world where my ignorance was my bliss, but I can't let myself down. I will not let myself down. I want out of this skin.

Food

Mon - 10.22
Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Rice and Vegtables
Dinner - 5 pieces of chicken from Popeye's and a biscuit
Green Light Day

Tues - 10.23
Breakfast - bowl of cereal
Lunch - I can't remember
Dinner - 5 chicken tacos

Wed - 10.24
Breakfast - 2 pieces of leftover chicken & some leftover seasame chicken
Lunch - Falafel w/ grape soda
Later on - 2 chicken tacos
Dinner - Bacon cheeseburger toaster & oreo sonic blast
Red Light Day

Thur - 10.25
Breakfast - 3 fried eggs w/ 2 slices of toast with hummus, cheese and salsa
Lunch - 2 PB&J's and a 32oz glass of milk
Dinner - 2 bowls of tuna casserole
Yellow Light Day

Me and My Breezy YO!

Katie and I went on a new trail for exercise today. It was amazing. Exercising is really important to me now. I want to live closer to the fantastic walking trails that are in my community. I want to live in way North Omaha. I love it there. I'm just putting this down so I'll remember it.

Food

Breakfast- Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 tacos, cheesy beefy melt and a pintos and cheese from Taco Bell
at the bowling alley - snickers bar
Dinner - 1.5 enchiladas and 1.5 slices of pizza and a can of corn

Green Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Leftover rice with mixed vegetables and a chicken drumstick
Lunch - 6" inch personal pizza and some spinach noodle pasta
Dinner - 2 slices of pizza and 5 chicken wing pieces

Green Light Day

Food for Yesterday & Today

10-18-07 Thursday
Breakfast - PB&J
Lunch - chicken and veggie stir fry
Dinner - 2 chicken spinach and cream cheese enchiladas
Desert - 4 oreo's and some vanilla ice cream

Yellow Light Day

10-19-07 Friday
Breakfast - Gyro w/ chips and hummus
Lunch - 2 slices of pizza
Dinner - Falafel sandwich w/ chips and hummus

Green Light Day

My Powerlessness

Admitting that I was powerless over food was probably the easiest thing I had ever done. I believe I was somewhere near 600 pounds when I started OA, so thinking that I somehow felt in control in any way of my food was ridiculous. However, now I believe that my eating is becoming more and more normal everyday. So, why do I still feel powerless over food?

The feeling of powerlessness doesn't come from the amount of food I put in my body, but from any amount of food that goes into my body. Just today for example, I had 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich with water for breakfast. I used to eat three of them in one sitting and a least 32 ounces of milk to wash down all that thick ass peanut butter. I was trying to fill a void with food. After breakfast today my eating disorder still tells me I need more food, but my physical body is satisfied. Even when I eat normally my thinking is still corrupt about food. I feel powerless against it's effect on me. Now, does that mean I just say fuck it. No, because giving in to my compulsive eating makes me go numb. I loose all my focus, I get angry at myself, I feel worthless, I start doubting my life is worth living. I can't express the pain I will always live with knowing that I let food run my life for 26 years.

Food became the friend that was always there, never got angry, and my number one focus on a daily basis. I have always had jobs that catered to my self-abuse and binging. I would not go places because I wanted to eat. I would go places based on the food that would be available. Whenever I went to a buffet as a kid I could always remember my mom telling me to, "get her money's worth." I got that and more. I don't like the way food makes me feel, even when I enjoy it, even when I don't overeat, I always feel guilty. Guilt-free eating is something I know nothing about. I cannot change that, it is something that I will always have to live with I guess. I am getting more comfortable with it. I don't know if that is something that can be relieved working 12 steps. Maybe, just sitting with that level of uncomfortableness everyday is just what I need to remind myself that I have the disease of compulsive overeating.

Food

Breakfast - bowl of cereal w/milk
Lunch - Falafel sandwich w/ curry fries
Dinner - Side Salad, 1 cup of rice mixed with greek pototoes, and a couple french fries.

Green Light Day

My Living Problem

I went to an OA retreat this weekend and I left greatly disappointed. I left seething at the fact that people will actually make an effort to come to an event that is about self-recovery and then at the retreat make no commitments to recover. I'm sick of all the no-go gettas. I'm disgusted with people not realizing that this problem of compulsive overeating, then turns into compulsive dieting, then back to compulsive eating again. The aforementioned cycle is one of death. Turning my mind over to a complete new way of thinking was the only way out. As I see myself looking upon those in the death cycle, I get angry. I want to help them, but I cannot because they don't want to change. So, I have recommitted myself to reaching out to people looking for a real complete lifestyle change. I have to make sure I do this in a honest, loving and caring way (this is not logically equivilent to soft and gentle). The honest truth we when are lying to ourselves in usually painful. OA is a great thing that has lead to much joy and abundance in my life because I have been honest, fearless and thorough throughout. I work OA like my life depends on it because it does. Daily weigh-ins, counting calories, compulsive exercising, obsessing about my next meal, lying about my food to myself, having dishonesty run rampant in my life are just some of the things I had to give up in order to work my program in OA. Changing my life has been up to me, how my life changes is up to The Spirits that guide and watch over me daily. My most undeniable proof of this is my physical recovery.

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 open-face tuna salad sandwiches and half a pickles
Dinner - 2 boca burger patties w/ cheese and 1 cup of rice w/ mix vegetables
Late Night - 1 boca patty and 1/2 cup of rice w/ mixed vegetables

Yellow Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 3 slices of pizza and a can of corn
Snack - peanut butter m&m's regular size
Dinner - Beef Taco and 2/3 vegetarian nacho's from California Tacos & More
Late Night - 3/4 cup of bean dip w/ chips

Yellow Light Day

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - Country Fried Steak and Eggs w/ multi-grain pancakes
Lunch - King Size Snickers
Dinner - 3 slices of Pizza from Papa John's and a can of corn

Green Light Day

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - nothing
Lunch - 3 slices of pizza, 3 mini sandwiches, raw carrots, a 1/2 a pickle
Dinner - 1 and 1/2 bowls of white chili, 1 and 1/2 cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, and a diet twist up

Green Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Glass of chocolate milk
Lunch - Some bean dip and chips
Dinner - Bowl of oatmeal

Green Light Day

P.S. I'm sick, so dPublish Poston't think by any means I would eat this little of my own volition.

Let's Get It

30 minutes of StairMaster.
I also did my weights.

Food

Breakfast - 2 open face PBJ's w/ milk
Lunch - Bean Dip w/ corn chips
Dinner - 3 pieces of chicken, large cajun rice, and 1 biscuit from Popeye's.

Green Light Day

Why I Post My Food

What goes into my mouth shows a great deal about how I am dealing with life. Dealing with life on life's terms is what I truly have a problem with. Compulsive eating and obsessing about food, are just my own personal self-destructive escapes from living my life. So posting my food is a huge deal to me, because what I put in my body is a representation everyday of how much I valued myself that day. Food journaling represents me much like a thermometer presents a temperature. The thermometer is not the temperature, but it can give you a great representation of what it feels like outside.

I need to post something everyday, so posting my food helps me do that. I am afflicted with the disease of compulsive eating, and reporting my food daily is quite humbling. Being humbled by the revelation that I am a compulsive eater lets me help others who suffer from the same condition. It helps me log in and post to this blog. I know that I would not stay on top of this blog if I did not make it a regular part of my life.

I encourage all of you who are suffering to: turn down the food, turn up the life.

Food

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Falafel sandwich and a grape soda
Dinner - Shrimp Hot Garlic Sauce (that's what it says on the menu), 2 crab ragoon, and 1 egg roll

Green Light Day

24 Hour Fitness

Up early today, and my exercise for the day is already behind me.
20 minutes on the StairMaster
20 minutes of shooting hoops
10 minutes of swimming

Food & Exercise

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Veggie Sandwich from Jimmy John's, w/ Fritos and grapes
Dinner - Valentino's Buffet, 2 plates, 1 desert

Walked for 50 minutes n my hood - 3 miles

Food

Breakfast - bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 chicken taco's and 1 steak taco at Chipotle
Snack - 3 vegan oatmeal raisin cookies
Dinner - 6 morningstar chik'n nuggets and a bowl of mac-n-cheese

Rethink, Huh, What, Nevermind?

I have trouble reporting my food everyday. I already know this. I'm just officially documenting my resistance. I have a lot of resistance in me. I need to find a way to release it that is positive. I know that I will get there. I just have to keep trusting all of the tools that have gotten me this far.

I have excercised this week by the way. I do it almost routinely, so I don't always think to blog it.
I went for at least a 40 minute walk 3 times this week.

I dumped some shit out of my life this week, so I'm waiting for another shipment from The Spirits for something new and exciting.

Holla @ ya boi,
-Paul Jackson

Food for Yesterday and Today

10.6.7 - Saturday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - an apple and a half, some fritos w/ velveeta dip (not too much)
Dinner - Lobster Tail and Mixed Seafood platter from Red Lobster, w/ a salad and 5 cheddar biscuits, I also had some of my wife's buffalo shrimp and a couple shrimp scampi

Yellow Light Day

10.7.7 - Sunday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/milk
Lunch - 2 grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches w/ a can of corn
@ bowling - 1/2 an order of breaded mushrooms w/ nacho cheese
Dinner - 5 Veggie Tacos
Dessert - Warm Cookie w/ 3 scoops of ice cream

Red Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - 2 Tuna Sandwiches on Kaiser Buns, and less that 10 Fritos Scoops
Crap I just ate - 3 pieces of crust from my daughters personal pan pizza dipped in pintos and cheese (I swear, I'd do it again....it was good)
Dinner - Chinese buffet, I had two plates of food that is my maximum allowed.

Yellow Light Day

Note - Any day I go to a buffet....I don't have a green light day.

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of Life cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 Boca Burgers w/ cheese, baby spinach, and tomato, & 1 cup of saffron rice
Snack - Granola Bar
Dinner - 8 mini tacos, 2 chicken nuggets, 8 tortilla chips w/ some velveeta dip
Dessert - 2/3 of a cookie and 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream

Yellow Light Day

Two Days of Food

10.2.07 - Tuesday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk & the last piece of leftover chicken
Lunch - 2 eggs with 2 tortilla & cheese & the leftover veggie chili nachos
N Btwn - a big ol' choc chunk cookie
Dinner - 5 slices of pizza, the toppings of another slice, and some monkey bread

Obviously the is a Red Light Day

10.3.07
Breakfast - Two Breakfast Sandwiches from BK, about 12 hashbrowns, 3 sips of juice (the kids were going hard on that juice)
Lunch - Gyro from King Kong (no fries, this is a good thing)
Dinner - 5.5 fish planks, 6 hush puppies, 1.5 corn on the cob, & some fries.

I took my frustration of today out on my body. This level of eating is horrendous. Red Light Day

If not doing this is to simple, I need to go back to the basics. Tomorrow, I'll get back to the basics.

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal w/apples
Lunch - Combo platter from Carlos O'Kelley's
Snack - two pieces of leftover fried chicken from Popeye's
Dinner - two veggie chili cheese frito burritos

Water all day
Yellow Light Day