My Powerlessness

Admitting that I was powerless over food was probably the easiest thing I had ever done. I believe I was somewhere near 600 pounds when I started OA, so thinking that I somehow felt in control in any way of my food was ridiculous. However, now I believe that my eating is becoming more and more normal everyday. So, why do I still feel powerless over food?

The feeling of powerlessness doesn't come from the amount of food I put in my body, but from any amount of food that goes into my body. Just today for example, I had 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich with water for breakfast. I used to eat three of them in one sitting and a least 32 ounces of milk to wash down all that thick ass peanut butter. I was trying to fill a void with food. After breakfast today my eating disorder still tells me I need more food, but my physical body is satisfied. Even when I eat normally my thinking is still corrupt about food. I feel powerless against it's effect on me. Now, does that mean I just say fuck it. No, because giving in to my compulsive eating makes me go numb. I loose all my focus, I get angry at myself, I feel worthless, I start doubting my life is worth living. I can't express the pain I will always live with knowing that I let food run my life for 26 years.

Food became the friend that was always there, never got angry, and my number one focus on a daily basis. I have always had jobs that catered to my self-abuse and binging. I would not go places because I wanted to eat. I would go places based on the food that would be available. Whenever I went to a buffet as a kid I could always remember my mom telling me to, "get her money's worth." I got that and more. I don't like the way food makes me feel, even when I enjoy it, even when I don't overeat, I always feel guilty. Guilt-free eating is something I know nothing about. I cannot change that, it is something that I will always have to live with I guess. I am getting more comfortable with it. I don't know if that is something that can be relieved working 12 steps. Maybe, just sitting with that level of uncomfortableness everyday is just what I need to remind myself that I have the disease of compulsive overeating.