Food Issues

I have a problem with eating too much food at dinner.
I have the same problem with cookies that I have with donuts.

I have a workable solution to both of these problems if I'm truly ready to let go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I intend to do what's in front of me, and nothing more for tomorrow.

Wanting to Eat

I tried to lie to myself and call today a yellow light day. However, I just kept eating today when I had nothing to do. At home after lunch I indulged in a sandwich without reason. Later, I ate RS which is not something that I should allow myself to ever do at work. I'm blogging about this because I want to stop. But, sometimes I don't ever recognize that I've started until the food is gone. Spirits please be with me and path me in the path of light.

For my life to be clean, my food must be clean because I'm an addict.

My Day in Review

I started my day off poorly by not taking the time to get a good breakfast. I then ate a really unbalanced, unsatisfying, and generally terrible lunch. My answer to that, I didn't do what I was told to by the spirits, through Girl Friday (who does answer calls on Saturdays). I went to my com to space out then went to my fridge and grabbed the quickest stuff I could nuke, then ate them. Next I'm at my sister's house shoveling in food. I set myself up for success by purchasing a couple apple for myself at dessert time. I skipped the apples entirely. I returned home and desired more food, perhaps a little more punishment would be good for me, but I finally listened to the spirits. With this post I'll will let the disappointment, questions, and experience of this day leave me, and I will try to remember what I truly want for my life tomorrow.

Setting Intentions

I definitely need to start "setting intentions" for myself everyday. I believe that it helps me stay conscience. My recovery is not static, so I must reevaluate myself everyday. Being able to set goals that are reachable for myself is important to my recovery. I'm heavy in the struggle of letting things go in my life that will allow me to lose my next 100 pounds. Everything I have do recently has been "questionable." I need to start paying more attention. To help me do this, I will set the intention to blog at least every other day for the next week.

Gift

I am at school today, and I really want to leave bad. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel so uneasy with everything around me. What is next? I don't have the answers. I'm suppose to put my faith in a higher power at this point....I think. I'm lost or at least I think I am. School is really mentally painful. It consumes a lot of time, and I'm not giving school an appropriate amount of my time. So all that turmoil really stresses me out. I keep feeling this way, and I keep waiting for these feelings to run their course. Running from school is not an option for me. I wonder why I always want to run from responsibilities that only I feel connected to. I don't feel school is connected to me at all. Maybe I can change that part. When I'm here I don't look forward to anything except 3:45p when I leave. I need to find something in this university that matters to me, otherwise, I won't be able to continue. Spirits save me I feel like I'm about to crash into something I can't even see. I need clarity.

Setting myself up....

My wife and I invited my mom to dinner. She asked if she could bring anything and I asked her to bring brownies. That is my biggest trigger food, her brownies. I set myself up to fail and it worked. Am I really tired of this pain of compulsive eating? Today I'm not sure. This is something else I need to let go of so that I can grow. Self-destruction is nasty and I say I don't want to be a part of it, but I did tonight was detrimental to me. It's time for me to set myself up for success.

I'm talking about years and years

I have been questioning what's next for me on this journey of recovery. For the first time since I had been in recovery, my weight went up on my February 15 checkpoint. I have really been trying to focus on school, focus on getting the house in proper order (and maintaining that order), and focus on finding a better ways to parent. In the mean time, I have been so proud of myself for that I've have let other areas of my life slip. This problem that I have is one I'd like to let go of today, and I ask The Spirits to remove this defect of character from me. I want to be able to accept new positive responsibilities and not neglect other responsibilites that are also good for my growth as a person.

Food is not my answer. I know that. I have been acting within that mindframe for the most part, but not always. I need to get clean, all the way clean. I need to define my abstinence with food. So today I need to set that up. I need to have some conversations with people close to me that know about my eating disorder so I can get some help to take a strong step forward.

I bought this book Abstinence from OA and it has been helpful, I plan on continuuing to read it. I can do this one day at a time.

Room 4 Improvement

Thank goodness that recovering doesn't mean recovered. I hope it never does; I don't think it will. Today I ask the spirits to give me the strength to say yes to what I need to do in my life, even if it seems to overwhelming or to tedious. I see so many areas of life that need fixing sometimes I lose focus of the things right in front of me that help me get better. Today I need to focus on those things.

Disappearing Act

I have been gone for a week from my blog. I have been whining, griping, fighting with myself, my wife and my life. Resistance never gets me anywhere. The world taught me a big lesson this past week. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of anything. So, I am gonna slow down and get back to some basics for me. I have kinda let go my focus at school, that is behavior I'm notorious for doing. I am recomposing myself and not letting myself quit. Quitting is my old forte. I have 2 "B's" and 1 "C" in the courses I am currently taking. I should have 3 "A's," but I also should be 200 lbs. I haven't put in the work, on either front yet, so why should I have results I haven't worked towards. On the school front, I'm moving forward. On the recovery part, I'm moving forward. My last week of food has been OK, nothing horrid nothing fabulous. However, I'm realizing that I want to participate in some sort of compulsive behavior when I'm feeling disgruntled, angry, or out of place and I won't let myself eat. That's when I need to get to a meeting, but I haven't been to one in over a week. I missed my regular one for a Friday night photoshoot at the Walmart portrait studio, not my idea of fun. I have other tools for getting to a better mental place, and this blog is one of them. I don't know why I run from the things that help me "get better" when I'm in a "bad place." Today I realize that this is going on at least, and I'm trying to update my thinking for the future. Anyways, my daily report will consist of a something I am grateful for that day (I probably won't do this forever). I will also start adding if I execised that day. Moving my body gives me time to focus on me in a really healthy way. I need to make the best effort I can exercise daily.

I want out

I have been feeling really trapped inside myself the last few days. I haven't done the things I've been needing to do all week. I feel like right now life is to hard to live. I want things to be easier. I know that sounds lame, but I don't feel like I have the energy to go forward and do anything right now. I'm feeling really fearful, and I want to get to a better place. I know there is some work that must be done like; taking a shower, cleaning the kitchen, start working on my philosophy paper, study for my stats test Monday. I've just been beat down with sick whiny children all day, and I am wiped out. However, I can't afford to get anymore behind with my responsibilities. My food has been out of whack the past 2 or 3 days. I know that's a good place to check my barometer, but I just don't want to be a food addict today. I want to let loose into my old world where my ignorance was my bliss, but I can't let myself down. I will not let myself down. I want out of this skin.