I have usually wanted to be profound.  Today I just want to be.  When I started this blog, I wanted to be a superstar.  Leading the charge of profound recovery from morbid obesity.  However, what I have found is that I'm a much more normal than that.  Before these last five months I've always believed that somehow I'm more valuable than you because I'm truly a gift to this world.  I've since learned otherwise.  I want to contribute today the most effective way that I can.  Gratitude lists and asking for good orderly direction is how I function today.  I do not do it perfectly, nor do I try.  Letting down people is something that I have really had to face and accept.  In the past, it has been impossible for me to take 100% responsibility for my actions with 0 zero excuses.  Skirting why I didn't perform has always been tops on my explanation list.  For today, I have acceptance of myself and my fellows.  Life is for living and today I want to perform because I have the ability to.  Assigning blame to myself and others doesn't help me recover, enjoy life, fulfill potential, and enhance situations positively.  So today, I am whatever I am.  I accept that first.  Next, I act.  My momma always told me, "Faith without action is dead." Today, I carry that statement with me in all my affairs.  I'm committing to returning to this blog frequently to document my fears, my accomplishments, and my recovery.  I hope that I can be of service to any who understands or doesn't understand my story.

30 workout in 30 days and over new commitments of quality.

I'm going to do 30 workouts in 30 days.  I know that doesn't seem extreme, and it's not.  It's just a plan of working out each day I wake up for the next 30 days.  On the thirtieth day I'm going to be speaking at an event and I'm excited to report my progress.

Just for today - I'm here.

OK.  I've been working the program of life on my higher power's terms, one day at a time consistently since October 2012.  I now believe anything is possible.  Letting go of my desires and asking my Higher Power what is best for me is the only way to live with spiritually clarity today.  I can "let solutions come," and be patience.  Understanding the spirits work in their own time - sometimes it's 5 seconds or maybe 5 years.  My job today is to take care of my responsibilities.

Welcome

Wow, I haven't touched my blog in almost a year. The day of my last post was the day my daughter was born. I have learned so much, but I still cannot string together multiple days of quality abstinence. Today I returned more experienced, but still diseased. My crutch feels more burdensome than helpful, and still I'm scared of falling to the ground without it. My mother is providing me inspiration these days. Perhaps it's time I hop on her star and shine out. Death will willingly accept me, I need to show it I'm not ready.

Allah Akbar

I went outside today in my front yard and asked for guidance. I was told to get on my knees, as I faced the morning sun. Resistance ran through me like a squirrel dashing indecisively across a busy street, but eventually I came to my knees. I asked for guidance because my compulsive brain wants relief that my body has so desired for years. Yesterday, it was revealed to me that the compulsion to eat can be relieved. I am holding that close to me today as I move forward.

Daily Report for Sat

b-2 biscuit sandwiches and hashbrowns from bk
l-2 cheesy beef burritos, 2 bean burritos and an order of rice
d-2 black bean and cheese quesadillas
yellow light day
e-none

I'm a big kid now!

At 5:27am today I turned 30 years old. I started my day with a trip to the Old Market Farmer's Market with My Breezy Yo! Next I went to the gym sans ma famille and chopped it up with an old friend on the treadmill. When I returned home I took my niece to a doctor's appointment, chopped it up with my mom, and then returned home with two borrowed weedwackers and a borrowed mower. After a general purpose lunch with the family, I proceeded to crushing the yard of death (an assist goes out to Cornbread). Next, the whole fam watched Michael Jackson (RIP) videos as Jan Jan attempted to entertain the children. She ended up entertaining us all. Now off to the shower, My Breezy Yo! and I ventured out to the Pizza Shoppe for my birthday outing. It was the best experience ever at the PS. By the time we returned home, the children had already been shuttled off to their rooms for the night. About an hour later, Emenike called for Katie and I told her to just let him come down. My little boy layed right next to me for about an hour just making me feel special. Shortly thereafter, I received a couple unexpected phone calls. Achinike's voice is always an interesting sound. Later on Katie, Deekie and I all headed for bed where I am now writing this entry. I had a day filled with love. I can't ask for more than that.

The Next Episode ~ramble~

Three meals a day and nothing in between has really been working for me. I came home from the gym after class last night starving. Poor me, I didn't think I'd live to see the morning. My wife thinks I should smaller meals more often during the day. However, I disagree because 3 times in the cage a day is plenty. Going to the gym yesterday was really great. I felt really healthy all day today because of it. I walked the kids up to the pool today. They loved it. I did too. Mommy stayed at home and got some alone time. My CCNA classes our going great. I love them. I'm even reading the curriculum when I'm not at school....AMAZING! I'm grateful today that I have found something that I really love. I think I have found a way to begin my stepwork. I have a lot to be grateful today. Thanks World!!!

An Unrandom Journal Entry - Friday Night 12 June 09

The boundaries around me are limitless. However, I understand the importance of them today. Just yesterday I had the opportunity to cross some lines that I don't need to be crossing, the next thing I know I'm getting a phone call. The phone call reminded me of a task I had previously committed to. After the task was completed I returned to my house. As I lay on my couch in dismay over the poor free throw shooting of Dwight Howard in the NBA Finals, I thought to myself, "damn it feels good to be a home." Home is my safest place. The boundary of my house includes the love of my wife and children. With my family is the most important place for me to be. The love inside my house makes the rest of my life possible. Perhaps there are times when I get bored within that boundary, but it is up to me to look for safe excitement in other places. I can't just go gallavanting off without thinking.
I'm starting to get it, but I'm still not sure if it will work. Some of the things we can think are keeping us alive could be killing our spirit. What do we do if we don't know how to analyze the effects of influences inside our lives. Abstaining from those things can give us more clarity because it allows us to remove ourselves from the influence of our own thinking. All this mind chatter can be a huge pain, I just want to live the right way. If that means I have to let everything I think I want go, then I will do that. There is too much at steak(lol) for me to play foolish games.

Still Abstinent

I didn't know it was possible to de-bone a rotisserie chicken and not eat any in the process, Woot!!!

About Today

"I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in."

-Yeezy

Getting Abstinent

Well getting back to 3 meals a day with nothing in between was way easier than I thought it would be. However, life has changed for me significantly. Recent events are forcing me retool how I approach everyday.

1. No iPod - After the official clean-up of the "Death of a Burning Bush," I asked to the spirits to help me become a more righteous man. I was told to "lose the iPod." I want to fathom want the spirits direct intent is, but I don't think that is important. So, I'm losing the iPod for 90 days. 90 days seems to be a new theme. I hope it works out well.

2. New Sponsor - I have a new OA sponsor. I don't know if it will work, but I already feel my resistance to it. So there is probably some good recovery work coming my way.

3. Rethinking - I can think whatever I want in my own head. However, my actions ultimately guide me in the direction that I want to go. "We cannot think first and act afterward. From the moment of birth we are immersed in action, and can only fitfully guide it by taking thought." -Alfred North Whitehead

Daily Report for Yesterday

brunch-2 plates of food at Mother's Day Breakfast
in the afternoon - a smoothie
dinner-a baby spinach salad, 2 bowls of mushroom alfredo pasta
green light day
e-none

I have been abstinant for over a week now. I think adding a daily 2000 calorie food plan maybe my next step in my physical recovery.

2 meals for the day are now complete. I am heading to school soon. I need to focus on making the right decisions.

Quality Day

Today was a green light day. My higher power intervened when I felt helpless. My consciousness was high, and I was acting instead of reacting all day.

I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why. Is this what sobriety is supposed to feel like? I commit to no food until my next meal.

Do It For Mabel!!!

There is a woman name Mabel that has had a profound effect on the way I feel about my physical recovery. As I have become more complacent in the past 8-9 months I have lost my connection to Mabel. I want that back. So, I am focusing more attention to my physical recovery. Thanks Mabel

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-1 donut and 1 muffing
l-taco, enchilada, chips and guac from GI Forum
in the afternoon - 1 muffin
d-a serving of mushroom alfredo pasta and 2 chicken thighs
after my walk-a sandwich
yellow light day
e-40 min walk with My Breezy YO!

Router Maintenance

I want to work with routers. I love networking. I want a career that I love. Spirits when you are ready I am willing. Until then, I will do what is in front of me for today.

Daily Report

b-yogurt and ks m&m's
l-2 slices of pizza
later on - more m&m's
d-2 bowls of hashbrown casserole
yellow light day
e-none

I'll Make It, You Take It

Brave People Make Things so get excited and make things....

The first five (5) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It'll be done this year (2009).

4. I will not give you any clue what it's going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange.

6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to blog.

7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you.

IMPORTANT: This offer is null and void if I do not see you post your own blog to pay this forward.

This text was used from www.thecreativejar.blogspot.com.
Play nice and make things! It's going to be an adventure!

Daily Report

b-some m&m's and a slices of pizza at work
l- 2 slices and a giantstick
d-10 pieces of fried chicken, 1 biscuit, large dirty rice
at dinner - I gorged myself on easter candy
red light day
e- 3 mile+ walk

Daily Report

b-3 bean tacos
l-footlong from subway and 3 cookies
d-2 vegi mcribs and some fritos
green light day
e-45 min of cardio, 30 min of res trning

Daily Report

b-granola bar and yogurt
after gym- half a granola bar
lunch-4 slices of pizza
d-2 bowls of chicken pesto pasta
at school - 10 starbursts, 4 reese pb cups
after school - bowl of chicken pesto pasta
red light day
e-40 min of cardio, 30 min of resistance training

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-2 biscuit sandwiches from bk
l-dbl cheeseburger and fries
d-black beans and rice, 1/2 a yogurt
later on-bowl of cereal
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b- 2 pb&j's
after gym-granola bar
l-4 chili dogs
later on - half a nutty bar
d-2 french dips
after school-lasagna from work and black beans
yellow light day
e-40 min of cardio, 20 min of res trng

Daily Report

6am-lunch lasagna
10am-2 yogurts
2pm-2 ham and cheese sandwiches
6pm-3 servings of mexican lasagna
yellow light day
e-60 min walk w/ k8

Daily Report

B-1 and 1/2 plates of pancakes, 3 eggs, and 7 strips of bacon
L-granola bar
d-2 grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with raw veggies
dessert-bowl of ice cream
yellow light day
e-45 minutes walk with the family

Daily Report for Yesterday & Today

yesterday
b-2 black bean quesadillas
l-u pick 2 at panera and a cookie
d-2 dbl chz and a snack wrap from mcd
late nite - 3 slices of pizza
yellow light day
e-30 min SM, 25 res trn

today
b-slice of pizza and a cc bar
l-2 slices and a lasagna
d-2 pieces of fish, 2 servings of fries and 2 slices of bread
dessert-waffle cone from GR
yellow light day

Daily Report

b-1 pb&j
l-one slice of pizza, 2 cheesestix, and a lunch lasagna from work
later on-1 pb&j
d-1 cali taco, 2/3 a plate of nachos
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-2 chicken thighs and rice
in the afternoon - a drumstick
d-1 eggroll, 1 crab rangoon, and 1/2 an order of SFR
green light day
e-none

Exercise

I committed to texting in my exercise at least 4 times this week. So, that means I have to do it.

Reports

tues - feb 24
b- quesdilla
l-2 boca burgers and rice
afternoon snack - a yogurt
d-mini pizza and 5 breadsticks
yellow light day
e- 65 min walk

wed - feb 25
b- quesadilla
l-3 burrito plate
d-3 plates at old country buffet
red light day
e-60 min walk

thurs - feb 26
b - 2 quesadillas
l-2 dbl cheeseburgers and fries from mickey d's
d-3 slices of pizza and 3 breadsticks
yellow light day
e-none

fri - feb 27
b-2 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks
l-2 slices of pizza
in the afternoon - a big taste taco
d- 2 plates at hong hing
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-bowl of cheesy rice
l-2 giant breadsticks, a slice, and an ind spag
snack - yogurt
d-2 bowls of rice and 2 boca burgers
yellow light day
none

Daily Report

b-black bean quesadilla
l-7 tacos from Taco John and some potato oles
d-2 and 1/2 pb&js
later on - yogurt and a granola bar
yellow light day

Daily Report

b-an apple
l-3 baby french dips and doritos
snack-2 slices and a breadstick
d-3 tacos, 2 toastadas, and a plate of nachos
dessert-waffle cone
yellow light day
e-40 min of cardio and weights

Daily Report for Yesterday & Today

yesterday
b-bowl of cereal
l-1 and 1/2 bowls of chili
d-3/4 of a small pizza and 2 breadstix
green light day
e-4 mile on ELL, and weights

today
b-double cheeseburger
l-salmon and rice, 2 choc chip muffins, and a choc milk
d-3 plates at Valentino's buffet
red light day
e-none

I need some exercise to turn today into a yellow light day and I ignored that feeling inside myself.

Daily Report for Yesterday

yesterday
b-1 and 1/2 pb&j's
l-2 sandwiches and chips
in the afternoon-2 pieces of chicken and 2 microwave burritos
d-gaucamole and chips, and Special Toad Taco from GI Forum
yellow light day
e-none

today
b-black bean quesadilla
l-2 slices of pizza, 2 giant breadsticks, 1 lunch lasagna
d- 1 and 1/2 bowls of cheesy rice
dessert-waffle cone from goodrich
red light day
e-70 min walk in my hood

Daily Report for Yesterday & Today

yesterday
b-4 oatmeal cc bars
l-2 hot dogs and a salad
d-2 plates of chili cheese tots
yellow light day

today
b-slice of pizza
l-pasta reggio at LSM
d-2 and 1/2 pb&j's
green light day

Daily Report

b-black bean and cheese quesadilla
l-2 slices of pizza
later on-yogurt and a granola bar
d-2 chili dogs, 4 hot dogs
dessert-2 oatmeal bars and 2 scoops of ice cream
red light day
e-none

Wondering

I sort of just wondered away from my blog this week. I will try not to do that. I have posted my food for today and today was an OK day. I am looking forward to a fun day tomorrow with my family members coming over for chili. Genevieve is getting better (frickin' strep throat again). My Breezy and I got eye-to-eye emotionally and that is always good. Tomorrow never really comes....let's get it!!!

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-3 slices of pizza and 2 giant breadsticks
later on- 1/2 slice of pizza
d-2 bean burrito, a grilled stuff burrito, and a fiesta potato
green light day
e-90 mins of shoveling

Daily Report for Yesterday and Today

yesterday
b-3 slices tcp and 1 stick
l-2 sandwiches and chips
d-2 bean burritos and small plate of nachos
later on- bowl of ice cream
yellow light day

today
b-3 slices of tcp and 1 stick
later-1 and 1/2 bbq meatball sandwich
l-2 cheeseburger and 2 chicken nuggets from Wendy's
d-1 and 1/2 bowls of soup
yellow light day

Daily Report

b-sausage, egg, and cheese bisuit combo from BK
l-4 slices of TCP and 2 garlic stix
d-cheese runza, onion rings, and a dish of ice cream from goodrich
green light day
e-none

Food Issues

I have a problem with eating too much food at dinner.
I have the same problem with cookies that I have with donuts.

I have a workable solution to both of these problems if I'm truly ready to let go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I intend to do what's in front of me, and nothing more for tomorrow.

Daily Report

b-yogurt, banana, and some oj
l-5 bbq meatballs and roasted carrots and potatoes
afternoon delight? - about 16? chips ahoy cookies
d-5 slices of TCP and 4 garlic sticks
red light day
e-I walked to pick up my daughter today

Donuts=Cookies=Death

Cookies are now on the Death List with donuts.

Daily Report for Yesterday & Today

04 FEB 2009
b-apple, yougurt and granola bar
l-slice of pizza, toppings off 2 slices of pizza, and an individual spag
snack-a candy bar
d-2 serving of meatloaf and brussel sprouts, and one serving of mashed pots
yellow light day
e-none
05 FEB 2009
b-2 pb&js
l-2 turkey sandwiches and fritos
later one-shared some M&M's with my children
d-5 slices of thin crust pizza and 5 cheesesticks
yellow light day
e-45 min of card, wr, and crunches

Wanting to Eat

I tried to lie to myself and call today a yellow light day. However, I just kept eating today when I had nothing to do. At home after lunch I indulged in a sandwich without reason. Later, I ate RS which is not something that I should allow myself to ever do at work. I'm blogging about this because I want to stop. But, sometimes I don't ever recognize that I've started until the food is gone. Spirits please be with me and path me in the path of light.

For my life to be clean, my food must be clean because I'm an addict.

Daily Report

b-turkey sandwich
l-double cheeseburger and onion rings
b4 work-turkey sandwich
at work-2 cinnamon breadstick, 2 chocolate chip bars
d-mini pizza, and 6 cheesesticks
red light day
e-45 min of cardio, wr, 100 crunches

Tricky Weekend

My wife and I had an argumentative weekend. However, today I made dinner and after the kids went to bed we just had a really good time hanging out. It was great. I love having her as my companion in life. I am very grateful to be back on track with her today.

Daily Report

b-2 turkey sandwiches
l-2 pb&j's
d-2 boca burger, roasted carrots and a spring mix salad
green light day
e-none

Missing Reports

Superbowl Sunday 2009
530am-bowl of cereal
900am-CFS breakfast at VI
200 to 615- I just grazed all day (dips, chips, roll-ups, chili....)
700pm-5 slices of pizza and 3 cheesesticks
*NOTE* This seven o'clock meal put me in RED LIGHT STATUS. I had no reason to eat it. I did it just because I could and I was in physical pain afterwards.
e-non

31 Jan 2009
b-2 apples and 2 granola bars
l-2 bean burritos, 1 taco, order of potatoes, slice of pizza and a breadstick
at the zoo-2 granola bars
d-two rodeo dbl cheeseburgers and onion rings
later on - 2 apples
yellow light day
e-45 mins of cardio, crunches, and resistance training

30 Jan 2009
b-slice of pizza and a giant breadstick
l-lamb korma, 2 cookies
later on - half a gyro and some greek potatoes
b4 meeting-half a dbl cheeseburger and 3 cookies
D-2 bowls of ham and bean soup and 2 apples
yellow light day

29 Jan 2009
b-a pb&j
l-3 chili dogs, and a granola bar
at work-4 breadsticks, 1 zzago
d-12" Ham and cheese from subway
yellow light day
e-45 mins of cardio, crunches, and resistance training at 24HF

Daily Report

b-a wesley and a yogurt
l-pb&j,a wesley, and a granola bar
d-1 and 1/2 bowls of chicken and noodles
after gym- 1 and 3/4 pb&j's
green light day
e-42 of cardio at 24

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-bowl of cereal
l-1 and 1/2 cheeseburgers, gyro, and a "wesley"
d-6 inch pizza, 4 cheesesticks
later-a "wesley"
yellow light day
e-45 min of cardio at 24, WR, & BB

Daily Report

b-slice of pizza and a couple nacho chips
l-5 meatballs and 2 servings of roasted veggies
d-2 slices of pizza, 1 and 1/2 breadsticks
after gym-bowl of cereal
green light day
e-20 min of ELL, 10 min of SM, 15 of WR, 100 crunches

Patience

I was able to have a weekend with My Breezy Yo! which was really great. However, when my children returned I realized that I have no patience for them. I have been really crabby towards them and not very nurturing lately. Tomorrow, I want to give them a really good morning to start their day and my day. I will have their clothes ready when they get up. And I will give them extra time at breakfast to goof off. They will love that. I think I will too.

Daily Report for Yesterday and Today

24 Jan 2009
b-none
l-2 "wesleys," 2 cheeseburger, 1 chicken sandwich, and baked beans
d-skillet at VI, half of my pancakes
later on-another "wesley"
red light day

25 Jan 2009
b-rice, beans w/ sausage
l-side salad, fries, and some gyro meat
later on-1 pb&j
d-2 boca burgers and cheddar mashed potatoes
yellow light day

E-NONE either day

Daily Report

b-chicken noodles and mashed potatoes
l-gyro,hamburger and fries
d-2 servings of general chicken with broccoli
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-2 slices of pizza and a lasagna
in between-7 pieces of candy
d-2 servings of chinese food
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-1 and 1/2 slices of pizza, ind pasta, and breadstick
d-3 chicken thighs, 2 servings of mashed potatoes, and 2 servings of carrots
yellow light day
e-45 minute walk

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-2 pb&j's
b4 lunch-2 cheeseburgers from bk
l- 1/2 of my spaghetti and meatballs, a salad and bread
d- 1/2 of my s and mb and a 6 inch pizza from Valentino's
later on - 2 cookies and a handful of m&m's
yellow light day
e-30 min of SM, 20 min of weightlifting, 80 crunches

Daily Report

b-bowl of cereal
l-a bowl of white chili and some cornbread
later on- 2 cookies and a handful of m&m's
d-4 tacos, pintos and cheese, and a cheesy fiesta potato from TB
yellow light day
e-none

Confessions of a Cereal Compulsive Eater

I have had a couple no structure days and my food has really suffered. Also, I really did not accomplish anything these past two days. A day off is cool, but I really need to have a plan of action for every day. It doesn't have to be set in stone. However, planning my day provides me with a great deal of balance, no matter what me day brings.

My intentions for tomorrow are:
Exercise
Remove the kitchen clutter
Prepare a meal for my family
Do 2 loads of laundry

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-4 slices of pizza and a breadstick
later on - 6 cookies and a king size m&m's
d-2 grilled cheese sandwiches and a big bowl of chili
later on - an apple with some pb and a pear
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-slim fast and an apple
b4 lunch-2 molasses cookies and a 1/2 slice of pizza
l-2 french dip sandwiches
in the afternoon - 5 donut holes
d-general chicken and 3 egg rolls from Golden China
yellow light day
e-30 min of ELL, 10 min of hoops at 24 HF

Daily Report

b-bowl of WSP and a piece of cake
l-2 slices of pizza and 4 cheese breadsticks
d-2 chili dogs and plate of chili nachos
yellow light day
e-none

Weight

My monthly weigh in was yesterday. I currently weight 473, down 5 pounds from the previous weigh in.

Self Care

The three nights I have fallen asleep on the couch. That is a real crappy way for me to go to bed. Last night I even brushed my teeth as soon as I got home from work, almost anticipating I think that I would fall asleep on the couch. This streak will end today. I promise.

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-2 pb&j's
l-2 roast beef sandwich and some doritos
d- 2 slices of pizza and 3 breadsticks at work
green light day
e-4 mile of ELL, 10 minutes of WGTLIFT

Confessions of a Cereal Compulsive Eater

Late Wednesday night hype - 3 slices of pizza

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-1 and 1/2 cheeseburgers, a pickle, and some potato chips
d-5 slices of pizza
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-none
l-double cheeseburger and onion rings from VI
b4work-2 pb&j sandwiches
afterwork- 6" pizza and 3 cheesesticks
yellow light day
e-60 min of ELLI, 15 of hoops at 24HF

My Breezy YO!

I feel really stupid even blogging this, so that must mean that I need to do it. I used to think the relationship that my wife and I had before we had children was gone, but it's not. It just is not allowed to be exposed when we are at home because one or both of us are always on parent duty. I really enjoy have kid-free time with Katie. Last night, I arranged dinner for the children and Katie and I went out. It was great. We just went to California Taco's & More, then to Hy-Vee, but some simple one on one time with My Breezy Yo really does both of us good.

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-2 pb&j sandwiches
l-slice of pizza, giant breadstick, and individual pasta from work
d-2 california tacos, and some bean dip
later on-rb sandwich and a handful of doritos
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-2 slices of hamburger pizza
l-2 lasagna rollups
d-3 chicken drumsticks, rice with vegetables, and an apple
green light day
e-3 mile walk to the grocery store with My Breezy Yo!

Carbon Free Transportation

Today my wife and I walked to the supermarket because we were almost out of PB&J. Having 3 children and one on the way, it is very important to stay stocked up on the quickest and most widely accepted lunch in the house. Walking allowed Katie and I some fun time together, I really enjoyed that. I want to continue to have more walks like these. Plus, it's good for the environment and a good way for me to rebound from a tough day yesterday.

My Day in Review

I started my day off poorly by not taking the time to get a good breakfast. I then ate a really unbalanced, unsatisfying, and generally terrible lunch. My answer to that, I didn't do what I was told to by the spirits, through Girl Friday (who does answer calls on Saturdays). I went to my com to space out then went to my fridge and grabbed the quickest stuff I could nuke, then ate them. Next I'm at my sister's house shoveling in food. I set myself up for success by purchasing a couple apple for myself at dessert time. I skipped the apples entirely. I returned home and desired more food, perhaps a little more punishment would be good for me, but I finally listened to the spirits. With this post I'll will let the disappointment, questions, and experience of this day leave me, and I will try to remember what I truly want for my life tomorrow.

Confessions of a Cereal Compulsive Eater

b-none
l-10 chicken nuggets, 1 and 1/2 Chili's from Wendys
later in the afternoon-a turkeyburger and a slice of pizza
d-a big spinach salad, 3 lasagna rollups, 3 and 1/2 slices of cake, 2 scoops of ice cream
red light day
e-40 min of cardio, 20 minutes of weightlifting, and 10 of shooting the bb

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j sandwiches and milk
at work-the toppings off of 2 slices of hamburger pizza
l-Chicken Curry, 1/2 a Paratha, and 1/2 Garlic Naan
d-1 Donor Kabob, 1/2 Falafel Sand, and a few curry fries
green light day
e-65 minute carbon-free walk

My Ego

I recently went out to eat with another member of OA a couple days ago. We were talking about recovery and my recent struggles, and she asked me if I was "in relapse" and I said "no." I justified my response to her by making it explicitly clear that if I was in relapse I could and would be eating everything in sight all the time. However, during my walk this morning, the Spirits told me that if you don't call 23 pounds in two months, eating all the sugar you can handle, and removing yourself from your program of recovery relapse, then what is relapse? So, to my friend that shared that mediocre meal at LaMesa avec moi, I was definetly in relapse. My ego gets in my way all the time. I want to stay humble and be grateful for the blessings that are within my path. Not admitting that I was in relapse was a way for me to reject the feelings of shame and failure I had for not working my program.

My Next 100 pounds

So, I got my weight down to 440 lbs at my lowest point and then I started to backslide. On Oct 15, I weighed 455 and by Dec 28 I was up to 478. I have been in a rut with my physical recovery for about a year now, so I have been trying to get back to my OA basics. Three meals a day and no recreational sugar. I also have been back to exercising (about 5 day a week, instead of 2-3) and blogging as well. What is crazy to me is that during the past year I have felt this block inside of me, but I have been unwilling to deal with it. This block inside me has been the stress of having to leave school again, buying a new house, and the aftermath of buying this new house. However, I am now dealing with all of these issues now, by simply working my program of recovery. My OA programs keeps me mentally in check and I often forget how critical that is to my well being. If I eat right and exercise, I complete the maintenance tasks of my everyday life without procrastination. This is how I lost my first 100 pounds, and this is how I will lose the rest...

Intentions

I intend to hear my wife and be available for her when she needs me.
I intend to focus on reducing our family debt.
I intend to make someone I don't know laugh tomorrow.

Daily Report

b-plate of nachos
l-2 chicken sandwiches with doritos and 1/4 of a pickle
d-2 turkeyburgers w/ cheese and tomato
green light day
e-none

Intentions

I want to find a job that I enjoy doing so I can support my family if my wife wants does not return to work after having the baby.

I want to shout out "THANK YOU!" to the guy that flipped me off in traffic today. I got a really good laugh out of that.

I want my new baby to be healthy and happy.

Antonett

My sister was arrested for shoplifting. I'm not surprised, but I'm very grateful today that I made her kids my kids. Today my daughter Tanea said, "Daddy why is Mama Toni in jail?" I told her why and Tanea said, "I don't remember her." I was strangely sad. I don't really know why. I just want my sister to get better. I love you, Toni.

Daily Report

b-two soft tacos at my mama's house
l-combination plate from LaMesa
before dinner- a burrito and cheesy potatoes from taco bell
d-two chicken sandwiches and half a pickle
green light day
e-20 min of ST, 15 min of ELL, 20 of weights

Daily Report

b-plate of nachos
l-1 and 1/2 bowls of cereal, PB&J sandwich
d-6" pizza, 2 giant cheese breadsticks
yellow light day
e-1 hour walk

A wacky day...

I worked today, which is usually for me on a Tuesday. My intention was to go in and help on a busy day. I believe I accomplished that task, so for that I will be grateful. I want more work that generates money. I would love for it to not come from delivering pizzas. I intend to stay alerts for opportunities in which I can make money in entrepreneurial ways. I hope to find a new way to live by doing so.

Setting Intentions

I definitely need to start "setting intentions" for myself everyday. I believe that it helps me stay conscience. My recovery is not static, so I must reevaluate myself everyday. Being able to set goals that are reachable for myself is important to my recovery. I'm heavy in the struggle of letting things go in my life that will allow me to lose my next 100 pounds. Everything I have do recently has been "questionable." I need to start paying more attention. To help me do this, I will set the intention to blog at least every other day for the next week.

Today was a good day

Today I'm grateful for my wonderful family. I love having great days, and today was a great day.

Gift

I am at school today, and I really want to leave bad. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel so uneasy with everything around me. What is next? I don't have the answers. I'm suppose to put my faith in a higher power at this point....I think. I'm lost or at least I think I am. School is really mentally painful. It consumes a lot of time, and I'm not giving school an appropriate amount of my time. So all that turmoil really stresses me out. I keep feeling this way, and I keep waiting for these feelings to run their course. Running from school is not an option for me. I wonder why I always want to run from responsibilities that only I feel connected to. I don't feel school is connected to me at all. Maybe I can change that part. When I'm here I don't look forward to anything except 3:45p when I leave. I need to find something in this university that matters to me, otherwise, I won't be able to continue. Spirits save me I feel like I'm about to crash into something I can't even see. I need clarity.

I'm awake

Weight

I stepped on the scale for the first time since the 15th of June of Sunday. My current weight is 458 pounds. I'm back on the horse now, and I can't wait to see where I go.

Exercising Again.....

I've been to the gym three days in a row. It feels great. Now if I could just train myself to study I would be set. I'm committing myself to go study from 7PM-10PM at the UNO library. I've let the world know. The now I expect myself to be there. Thanks Spirits.

Since...

I've been gone I have:
purchased a house,
not stopped going to school,
a daughter in kindergarten,
purchased a car,
struggled tremendously with sugar,
a wife who is finally driving,
a wife who is back at work,
Lott Juniorita staying with us,
trashed all the sippy cups,
two little who can open doors now.

I will probably add to this later.

Pause Promoter

I talked to my pause promoter the other day, and she said, "Your blog is dead." I said, "No, it's not!" So, I'm here typing something. Recovery is painful my me because it is scary. I don't like to feel like the world has complete control over me, and my job is to submit. I fucking hate that. I want control over what happens, but that is not my answer today or anyday. I must continue to focus on what is in front of me to do this day and this day alone. The world will work itself out. I just need to do my part.

Exhausted

I'm really ready for a weekend off. The end of my Linear Algebra class is tomorrow, and I just took a midterm in Spanish today. I really need to evaluate how much I want to take this Differential Equations class that starts Monday. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.

Daily Report

breakfast - 4 eggs and 2 slices of toast
lunch - 4 slices of pizza
dinner - some bean dip, The Ole #7 Burrito at Señor Matias
yellow light day