I have usually wanted to be profound.  Today I just want to be.  When I started this blog, I wanted to be a superstar.  Leading the charge of profound recovery from morbid obesity.  However, what I have found is that I'm a much more normal than that.  Before these last five months I've always believed that somehow I'm more valuable than you because I'm truly a gift to this world.  I've since learned otherwise.  I want to contribute today the most effective way that I can.  Gratitude lists and asking for good orderly direction is how I function today.  I do not do it perfectly, nor do I try.  Letting down people is something that I have really had to face and accept.  In the past, it has been impossible for me to take 100% responsibility for my actions with 0 zero excuses.  Skirting why I didn't perform has always been tops on my explanation list.  For today, I have acceptance of myself and my fellows.  Life is for living and today I want to perform because I have the ability to.  Assigning blame to myself and others doesn't help me recover, enjoy life, fulfill potential, and enhance situations positively.  So today, I am whatever I am.  I accept that first.  Next, I act.  My momma always told me, "Faith without action is dead." Today, I carry that statement with me in all my affairs.  I'm committing to returning to this blog frequently to document my fears, my accomplishments, and my recovery.  I hope that I can be of service to any who understands or doesn't understand my story.

Food Issues

I have a problem with eating too much food at dinner.
I have the same problem with cookies that I have with donuts.

I have a workable solution to both of these problems if I'm truly ready to let go.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I intend to do what's in front of me, and nothing more for tomorrow.

Wanting to Eat

I tried to lie to myself and call today a yellow light day. However, I just kept eating today when I had nothing to do. At home after lunch I indulged in a sandwich without reason. Later, I ate RS which is not something that I should allow myself to ever do at work. I'm blogging about this because I want to stop. But, sometimes I don't ever recognize that I've started until the food is gone. Spirits please be with me and path me in the path of light.

For my life to be clean, my food must be clean because I'm an addict.

My Day in Review

I started my day off poorly by not taking the time to get a good breakfast. I then ate a really unbalanced, unsatisfying, and generally terrible lunch. My answer to that, I didn't do what I was told to by the spirits, through Girl Friday (who does answer calls on Saturdays). I went to my com to space out then went to my fridge and grabbed the quickest stuff I could nuke, then ate them. Next I'm at my sister's house shoveling in food. I set myself up for success by purchasing a couple apple for myself at dessert time. I skipped the apples entirely. I returned home and desired more food, perhaps a little more punishment would be good for me, but I finally listened to the spirits. With this post I'll will let the disappointment, questions, and experience of this day leave me, and I will try to remember what I truly want for my life tomorrow.

My Ego

I recently went out to eat with another member of OA a couple days ago. We were talking about recovery and my recent struggles, and she asked me if I was "in relapse" and I said "no." I justified my response to her by making it explicitly clear that if I was in relapse I could and would be eating everything in sight all the time. However, during my walk this morning, the Spirits told me that if you don't call 23 pounds in two months, eating all the sugar you can handle, and removing yourself from your program of recovery relapse, then what is relapse? So, to my friend that shared that mediocre meal at LaMesa avec moi, I was definetly in relapse. My ego gets in my way all the time. I want to stay humble and be grateful for the blessings that are within my path. Not admitting that I was in relapse was a way for me to reject the feelings of shame and failure I had for not working my program.

My Next 100 pounds

So, I got my weight down to 440 lbs at my lowest point and then I started to backslide. On Oct 15, I weighed 455 and by Dec 28 I was up to 478. I have been in a rut with my physical recovery for about a year now, so I have been trying to get back to my OA basics. Three meals a day and no recreational sugar. I also have been back to exercising (about 5 day a week, instead of 2-3) and blogging as well. What is crazy to me is that during the past year I have felt this block inside of me, but I have been unwilling to deal with it. This block inside me has been the stress of having to leave school again, buying a new house, and the aftermath of buying this new house. However, I am now dealing with all of these issues now, by simply working my program of recovery. My OA programs keeps me mentally in check and I often forget how critical that is to my well being. If I eat right and exercise, I complete the maintenance tasks of my everyday life without procrastination. This is how I lost my first 100 pounds, and this is how I will lose the rest...

Setting Intentions

I definitely need to start "setting intentions" for myself everyday. I believe that it helps me stay conscience. My recovery is not static, so I must reevaluate myself everyday. Being able to set goals that are reachable for myself is important to my recovery. I'm heavy in the struggle of letting things go in my life that will allow me to lose my next 100 pounds. Everything I have do recently has been "questionable." I need to start paying more attention. To help me do this, I will set the intention to blog at least every other day for the next week.

Pause Promoter

I talked to my pause promoter the other day, and she said, "Your blog is dead." I said, "No, it's not!" So, I'm here typing something. Recovery is painful my me because it is scary. I don't like to feel like the world has complete control over me, and my job is to submit. I fucking hate that. I want control over what happens, but that is not my answer today or anyday. I must continue to focus on what is in front of me to do this day and this day alone. The world will work itself out. I just need to do my part.

Setting myself up....

My wife and I invited my mom to dinner. She asked if she could bring anything and I asked her to bring brownies. That is my biggest trigger food, her brownies. I set myself up to fail and it worked. Am I really tired of this pain of compulsive eating? Today I'm not sure. This is something else I need to let go of so that I can grow. Self-destruction is nasty and I say I don't want to be a part of it, but I did tonight was detrimental to me. It's time for me to set myself up for success.

Crazy

I told my wife yesterday, "my food has been crazy." Her response, "When was the last time you posted your food?" She stopped me dead in my tracks. No matter how much I hate to admit it, I am a compulsive overeater. Today, in order for me to recover, I need to be posting my food. I don't like to do it because I find it a bother, but making myself review my intake at the end of each is good for me. Writing it out doesn't let me rationalize what I did. I'm honest with my posting and if I don't like what I'm seeing then I need to change how I act. I'm so tired of repeating this process and I'm starting to get angry at myself for not sticking with this posting. I must let go of the angry and focus on the solution, today I will try to do that

I'm talking about years and years

I have been questioning what's next for me on this journey of recovery. For the first time since I had been in recovery, my weight went up on my February 15 checkpoint. I have really been trying to focus on school, focus on getting the house in proper order (and maintaining that order), and focus on finding a better ways to parent. In the mean time, I have been so proud of myself for that I've have let other areas of my life slip. This problem that I have is one I'd like to let go of today, and I ask The Spirits to remove this defect of character from me. I want to be able to accept new positive responsibilities and not neglect other responsibilites that are also good for my growth as a person.

Food is not my answer. I know that. I have been acting within that mindframe for the most part, but not always. I need to get clean, all the way clean. I need to define my abstinence with food. So today I need to set that up. I need to have some conversations with people close to me that know about my eating disorder so I can get some help to take a strong step forward.

I bought this book Abstinence from OA and it has been helpful, I plan on continuuing to read it. I can do this one day at a time.

Room 4 Improvement

Thank goodness that recovering doesn't mean recovered. I hope it never does; I don't think it will. Today I ask the spirits to give me the strength to say yes to what I need to do in my life, even if it seems to overwhelming or to tedious. I see so many areas of life that need fixing sometimes I lose focus of the things right in front of me that help me get better. Today I need to focus on those things.

Craptacular Food Days

I just had two real shitty food days. I have purchased donuts 4 out of the last 8 days for myself. I commit to stopping that right now. I must not run, that's what I have been doing since school started. I am not feeling willing to put in the work. Realizing that now I am going upstairs to my room to do homework. A man that is not prepared can never be ready. I said that to my dad almost 12 years ago before I got on a plane and came back to Nebraska. My time to prepare is now.

Good-bye Mr. King Size

When I came into OA I cut my food by 50%. That was easy because I made some rules that I was willing to live by. Now it is time for me to rewrite those rules again. For about 4 months now my mind has been fighting with my stomach about food. I will be in the act of eating something and my body will tell my I have had enough. However, my mind keeps telling me to keep eating. I don't want to do that anymore. Today I'm giving up eating more food than I need.

My entire life I have lived for big meals. I'm not talking about just during the holiday season or a birthday celebration or something like that. I'm talking about everyday breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wanted big meals all the time. I was at a buffet if and only I was experiencing life to the fullest. That's sounds like a weird statement I know, but the only time I truly remember uncontrollable bliss is when I was in the presence of more food than I could handle. Even though I have stopped eating to that level of excess, I have still been holding on to that bliss from compulsive eating.

For today, I realize that I need to release more of my food. I have been losing weight at a pace of about 8 lbs a month since a joined 24 Hour Fitness in May. I know that I must be willing to do this for continuation of my recovery to keep happening. I want to eat like a normal person, that doesn't mean I will think like a normal person does about food. I'm ok with that. I have tools today to help deal with my disease of compulsive eating. Knowing that, I must now say my good-byes to eating more food than I need to live.

I have a responsibility to love and care for myself, excess food takes away from that.

Love is not large quantities of food.

Being overweight hides who I really am.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

Less food equals a smaller me, and a smaller me can live for a long time.

I want to be alive when my kids have kids.

Excess food equals death for me.

Eating right keeps my spirit alert, aware and ready for action.

I deserve the next level of life, to get there I'm letting go of this excess food.

Normal exists for a reason, I want to experience it.

Good-bye Mr. King-Size, you are dismissed.