Just for today - I'm here.

OK.  I've been working the program of life on my higher power's terms, one day at a time consistently since October 2012.  I now believe anything is possible.  Letting go of my desires and asking my Higher Power what is best for me is the only way to live with spiritually clarity today.  I can "let solutions come," and be patience.  Understanding the spirits work in their own time - sometimes it's 5 seconds or maybe 5 years.  My job today is to take care of my responsibilities.

Welcome

Wow, I haven't touched my blog in almost a year. The day of my last post was the day my daughter was born. I have learned so much, but I still cannot string together multiple days of quality abstinence. Today I returned more experienced, but still diseased. My crutch feels more burdensome than helpful, and still I'm scared of falling to the ground without it. My mother is providing me inspiration these days. Perhaps it's time I hop on her star and shine out. Death will willingly accept me, I need to show it I'm not ready.

Allah Akbar

I went outside today in my front yard and asked for guidance. I was told to get on my knees, as I faced the morning sun. Resistance ran through me like a squirrel dashing indecisively across a busy street, but eventually I came to my knees. I asked for guidance because my compulsive brain wants relief that my body has so desired for years. Yesterday, it was revealed to me that the compulsion to eat can be relieved. I am holding that close to me today as I move forward.

Do It For Mabel!!!

There is a woman name Mabel that has had a profound effect on the way I feel about my physical recovery. As I have become more complacent in the past 8-9 months I have lost my connection to Mabel. I want that back. So, I am focusing more attention to my physical recovery. Thanks Mabel

My Next 100 pounds

So, I got my weight down to 440 lbs at my lowest point and then I started to backslide. On Oct 15, I weighed 455 and by Dec 28 I was up to 478. I have been in a rut with my physical recovery for about a year now, so I have been trying to get back to my OA basics. Three meals a day and no recreational sugar. I also have been back to exercising (about 5 day a week, instead of 2-3) and blogging as well. What is crazy to me is that during the past year I have felt this block inside of me, but I have been unwilling to deal with it. This block inside me has been the stress of having to leave school again, buying a new house, and the aftermath of buying this new house. However, I am now dealing with all of these issues now, by simply working my program of recovery. My OA programs keeps me mentally in check and I often forget how critical that is to my well being. If I eat right and exercise, I complete the maintenance tasks of my everyday life without procrastination. This is how I lost my first 100 pounds, and this is how I will lose the rest...

Exercising Again.....

I've been to the gym three days in a row. It feels great. Now if I could just train myself to study I would be set. I'm committing myself to go study from 7PM-10PM at the UNO library. I've let the world know. The now I expect myself to be there. Thanks Spirits.

Since...

I've been gone I have:
purchased a house,
not stopped going to school,
a daughter in kindergarten,
purchased a car,
struggled tremendously with sugar,
a wife who is finally driving,
a wife who is back at work,
Lott Juniorita staying with us,
trashed all the sippy cups,
two little who can open doors now.

I will probably add to this later.

This path of recovery...

This path of recovery for me is a journey that I need to be patient with myself about. Obstacles arrive in my path and there are times when I do not even know that they are there. I have to give myself time to work through difficult situations without being compulsive in my behaviors, especially where eating is concerned. My ability to recover does not demand that I abuse or mistreat myself in anyway. I must love myself enough to let go of the control that I still so desperately desire and let my Higher Powers guide me through this adventure. In the last 2 years the world has changed drastically for me. I went from an attitude of talking about living life to actually living life. I have failed a lot and that failure brings frustration. However, I have accomplished many things that I never have before. I am grateful to The Spirits for providing me the opportunity to become a more conscience, more loving, and more thoughtful person.

A green light day....

For the first night in a long time, I can go to sleep knowing my food was very normal. I'm thankful for this today. Today has provided me with inspiration for tomorrow.

Disappearing Act

I have been gone for a week from my blog. I have been whining, griping, fighting with myself, my wife and my life. Resistance never gets me anywhere. The world taught me a big lesson this past week. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of anything. So, I am gonna slow down and get back to some basics for me. I have kinda let go my focus at school, that is behavior I'm notorious for doing. I am recomposing myself and not letting myself quit. Quitting is my old forte. I have 2 "B's" and 1 "C" in the courses I am currently taking. I should have 3 "A's," but I also should be 200 lbs. I haven't put in the work, on either front yet, so why should I have results I haven't worked towards. On the school front, I'm moving forward. On the recovery part, I'm moving forward. My last week of food has been OK, nothing horrid nothing fabulous. However, I'm realizing that I want to participate in some sort of compulsive behavior when I'm feeling disgruntled, angry, or out of place and I won't let myself eat. That's when I need to get to a meeting, but I haven't been to one in over a week. I missed my regular one for a Friday night photoshoot at the Walmart portrait studio, not my idea of fun. I have other tools for getting to a better mental place, and this blog is one of them. I don't know why I run from the things that help me "get better" when I'm in a "bad place." Today I realize that this is going on at least, and I'm trying to update my thinking for the future. Anyways, my daily report will consist of a something I am grateful for that day (I probably won't do this forever). I will also start adding if I execised that day. Moving my body gives me time to focus on me in a really healthy way. I need to make the best effort I can exercise daily.

AfterMATH

Today was the day that my two take-home tests were due, and I had an in-class test in Abstract Math. I'm so glad it's over. I can't remember ever pushing myself through such a tough period of academics and I've come out the other side ok. I didn't binge, isolate, shut-down, or shut-off. I let myself have my feelings, but didn't let them sideline my life's responsibilities. This is due to my recovery from compulsive eating. I can't wait to see what this world has in store for me. I just need to remember to stay open to world's messages. I love life, whether "I want out" or I'm as happy as a clam. I am thankful for that gift today.

I'm living,
Paul Jackson