The Next Episode ~ramble~

Three meals a day and nothing in between has really been working for me. I came home from the gym after class last night starving. Poor me, I didn't think I'd live to see the morning. My wife thinks I should smaller meals more often during the day. However, I disagree because 3 times in the cage a day is plenty. Going to the gym yesterday was really great. I felt really healthy all day today because of it. I walked the kids up to the pool today. They loved it. I did too. Mommy stayed at home and got some alone time. My CCNA classes our going great. I love them. I'm even reading the curriculum when I'm not at school....AMAZING! I'm grateful today that I have found something that I really love. I think I have found a way to begin my stepwork. I have a lot to be grateful today. Thanks World!!!

An Unrandom Journal Entry - Friday Night 12 June 09

The boundaries around me are limitless. However, I understand the importance of them today. Just yesterday I had the opportunity to cross some lines that I don't need to be crossing, the next thing I know I'm getting a phone call. The phone call reminded me of a task I had previously committed to. After the task was completed I returned to my house. As I lay on my couch in dismay over the poor free throw shooting of Dwight Howard in the NBA Finals, I thought to myself, "damn it feels good to be a home." Home is my safest place. The boundary of my house includes the love of my wife and children. With my family is the most important place for me to be. The love inside my house makes the rest of my life possible. Perhaps there are times when I get bored within that boundary, but it is up to me to look for safe excitement in other places. I can't just go gallavanting off without thinking.
I'm starting to get it, but I'm still not sure if it will work. Some of the things we can think are keeping us alive could be killing our spirit. What do we do if we don't know how to analyze the effects of influences inside our lives. Abstaining from those things can give us more clarity because it allows us to remove ourselves from the influence of our own thinking. All this mind chatter can be a huge pain, I just want to live the right way. If that means I have to let everything I think I want go, then I will do that. There is too much at steak(lol) for me to play foolish games.

Still Abstinent

I didn't know it was possible to de-bone a rotisserie chicken and not eat any in the process, Woot!!!

About Today

"I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in."

-Yeezy

Wondering

I sort of just wondered away from my blog this week. I will try not to do that. I have posted my food for today and today was an OK day. I am looking forward to a fun day tomorrow with my family members coming over for chili. Genevieve is getting better (frickin' strep throat again). My Breezy and I got eye-to-eye emotionally and that is always good. Tomorrow never really comes....let's get it!!!

Since...

I've been gone I have:
purchased a house,
not stopped going to school,
a daughter in kindergarten,
purchased a car,
struggled tremendously with sugar,
a wife who is finally driving,
a wife who is back at work,
Lott Juniorita staying with us,
trashed all the sippy cups,
two little who can open doors now.

I will probably add to this later.

Exhausted

I'm really ready for a weekend off. The end of my Linear Algebra class is tomorrow, and I just took a midterm in Spanish today. I really need to evaluate how much I want to take this Differential Equations class that starts Monday. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.

The Experience of Recovery

I want to get more of myself into this blog. I have been struggling to get to it as of late. This blog is a good thing for me to have. I need to express a more personal side here. I want to find more people looking for recovery in a positive way. I want people with me that want to be honest, fearless and thorough. I'm not looking to drag anyone or listen to their bullshit.

The Return of Paul Jackson

Wow....I feel like a foreigner on my own blog. Well things have really been moving and shaking for me literally and figuratively. My wife and I have been hitting the gym almost everyday since we've been on winter recess. We have been moving around rooms in the house, getting rid of tons of own stuff from crap to kids clothes, and we are trying to feng shui things up a bit. Life is good. I have been taking responsibility for myself and I have been making good choices. The Spirits have been guiding me, and I have been listening. Living in the light feels really good. It feels like what life is supposed to feel like.

U can't tell me nothing

1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
No.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I'd sell them on ebay...ppl will buy anything
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
michael jackson and ice cube
4. What is the best thing about your job?
i get to drive around and listen to my loud ass music

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class?
no

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
canada

9. Quote a song lyric?
"The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby
And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich"

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
both

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
no

13. If you could be an animal what would you be?
elephant

14. What state/country are you from?
nebraska

15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.
how bout i don't

16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
on vacation mofos

17. What is your favorite smell?
DKNY Be Delicious

18. What is your favorite sight?
the sun

19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
neg

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
jeah

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
jeah...i was an angry teenager

23. Have you ever played Spin the bottle?
yes

24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house?
no

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
yes,...

26. Have you ever gone camping?
jeah

27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
jeah...

28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
no

29. Have you ever drank?
jeah

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
just the police...but i'm black and i live in omaha

32. have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
all the time

33. Have you ever been cheated on?
i hope not...that would really fuck up this whole marriage thing

34. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
jeah

35. Have you ever lied to your parents?
...duhhh

36. Have you ever been out of the US?
i got married in canada...bitches

37. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
no

38. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
no

39. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
oh yea...yikes

40. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
idk

41. Kissed more than one person at a time?
no

I'm exicited....

I'm excited to get today over with. I have a long school day, errands to run, personal trainer appointment at 9pm at 24HF, and an OA meeting at 7:30 today. Despite my crying, I'm excited to have this full life. I'm grateful for this life, I love it.

I want out

I have been feeling really trapped inside myself the last few days. I haven't done the things I've been needing to do all week. I feel like right now life is to hard to live. I want things to be easier. I know that sounds lame, but I don't feel like I have the energy to go forward and do anything right now. I'm feeling really fearful, and I want to get to a better place. I know there is some work that must be done like; taking a shower, cleaning the kitchen, start working on my philosophy paper, study for my stats test Monday. I've just been beat down with sick whiny children all day, and I am wiped out. However, I can't afford to get anymore behind with my responsibilities. My food has been out of whack the past 2 or 3 days. I know that's a good place to check my barometer, but I just don't want to be a food addict today. I want to let loose into my old world where my ignorance was my bliss, but I can't let myself down. I will not let myself down. I want out of this skin.

Me and My Breezy YO!

Katie and I went on a new trail for exercise today. It was amazing. Exercising is really important to me now. I want to live closer to the fantastic walking trails that are in my community. I want to live in way North Omaha. I love it there. I'm just putting this down so I'll remember it.

My Powerlessness

Admitting that I was powerless over food was probably the easiest thing I had ever done. I believe I was somewhere near 600 pounds when I started OA, so thinking that I somehow felt in control in any way of my food was ridiculous. However, now I believe that my eating is becoming more and more normal everyday. So, why do I still feel powerless over food?

The feeling of powerlessness doesn't come from the amount of food I put in my body, but from any amount of food that goes into my body. Just today for example, I had 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich with water for breakfast. I used to eat three of them in one sitting and a least 32 ounces of milk to wash down all that thick ass peanut butter. I was trying to fill a void with food. After breakfast today my eating disorder still tells me I need more food, but my physical body is satisfied. Even when I eat normally my thinking is still corrupt about food. I feel powerless against it's effect on me. Now, does that mean I just say fuck it. No, because giving in to my compulsive eating makes me go numb. I loose all my focus, I get angry at myself, I feel worthless, I start doubting my life is worth living. I can't express the pain I will always live with knowing that I let food run my life for 26 years.

Food became the friend that was always there, never got angry, and my number one focus on a daily basis. I have always had jobs that catered to my self-abuse and binging. I would not go places because I wanted to eat. I would go places based on the food that would be available. Whenever I went to a buffet as a kid I could always remember my mom telling me to, "get her money's worth." I got that and more. I don't like the way food makes me feel, even when I enjoy it, even when I don't overeat, I always feel guilty. Guilt-free eating is something I know nothing about. I cannot change that, it is something that I will always have to live with I guess. I am getting more comfortable with it. I don't know if that is something that can be relieved working 12 steps. Maybe, just sitting with that level of uncomfortableness everyday is just what I need to remind myself that I have the disease of compulsive overeating.