Wondering

I sort of just wondered away from my blog this week. I will try not to do that. I have posted my food for today and today was an OK day. I am looking forward to a fun day tomorrow with my family members coming over for chili. Genevieve is getting better (frickin' strep throat again). My Breezy and I got eye-to-eye emotionally and that is always good. Tomorrow never really comes....let's get it!!!

Wanting to Eat

I tried to lie to myself and call today a yellow light day. However, I just kept eating today when I had nothing to do. At home after lunch I indulged in a sandwich without reason. Later, I ate RS which is not something that I should allow myself to ever do at work. I'm blogging about this because I want to stop. But, sometimes I don't ever recognize that I've started until the food is gone. Spirits please be with me and path me in the path of light.

For my life to be clean, my food must be clean because I'm an addict.

Patience

I was able to have a weekend with My Breezy Yo! which was really great. However, when my children returned I realized that I have no patience for them. I have been really crabby towards them and not very nurturing lately. Tomorrow, I want to give them a really good morning to start their day and my day. I will have their clothes ready when they get up. And I will give them extra time at breakfast to goof off. They will love that. I think I will too.

Confessions of a Cereal Compulsive Eater

I have had a couple no structure days and my food has really suffered. Also, I really did not accomplish anything these past two days. A day off is cool, but I really need to have a plan of action for every day. It doesn't have to be set in stone. However, planning my day provides me with a great deal of balance, no matter what me day brings.

My intentions for tomorrow are:
Exercise
Remove the kitchen clutter
Prepare a meal for my family
Do 2 loads of laundry

Self Care

The three nights I have fallen asleep on the couch. That is a real crappy way for me to go to bed. Last night I even brushed my teeth as soon as I got home from work, almost anticipating I think that I would fall asleep on the couch. This streak will end today. I promise.

My Day in Review

I started my day off poorly by not taking the time to get a good breakfast. I then ate a really unbalanced, unsatisfying, and generally terrible lunch. My answer to that, I didn't do what I was told to by the spirits, through Girl Friday (who does answer calls on Saturdays). I went to my com to space out then went to my fridge and grabbed the quickest stuff I could nuke, then ate them. Next I'm at my sister's house shoveling in food. I set myself up for success by purchasing a couple apple for myself at dessert time. I skipped the apples entirely. I returned home and desired more food, perhaps a little more punishment would be good for me, but I finally listened to the spirits. With this post I'll will let the disappointment, questions, and experience of this day leave me, and I will try to remember what I truly want for my life tomorrow.

My Ego

I recently went out to eat with another member of OA a couple days ago. We were talking about recovery and my recent struggles, and she asked me if I was "in relapse" and I said "no." I justified my response to her by making it explicitly clear that if I was in relapse I could and would be eating everything in sight all the time. However, during my walk this morning, the Spirits told me that if you don't call 23 pounds in two months, eating all the sugar you can handle, and removing yourself from your program of recovery relapse, then what is relapse? So, to my friend that shared that mediocre meal at LaMesa avec moi, I was definetly in relapse. My ego gets in my way all the time. I want to stay humble and be grateful for the blessings that are within my path. Not admitting that I was in relapse was a way for me to reject the feelings of shame and failure I had for not working my program.

Setting myself up....

My wife and I invited my mom to dinner. She asked if she could bring anything and I asked her to bring brownies. That is my biggest trigger food, her brownies. I set myself up to fail and it worked. Am I really tired of this pain of compulsive eating? Today I'm not sure. This is something else I need to let go of so that I can grow. Self-destruction is nasty and I say I don't want to be a part of it, but I did tonight was detrimental to me. It's time for me to set myself up for success.

Humility

I have not been humbled by my compulsive overeating lately and cunning, baffling and power food has slipped right back into my life in a dangerous way. Today I accept who I am and what I do. Today I will work towards my goals and not live inside my fear.