My Day in Review

I started my day off poorly by not taking the time to get a good breakfast. I then ate a really unbalanced, unsatisfying, and generally terrible lunch. My answer to that, I didn't do what I was told to by the spirits, through Girl Friday (who does answer calls on Saturdays). I went to my com to space out then went to my fridge and grabbed the quickest stuff I could nuke, then ate them. Next I'm at my sister's house shoveling in food. I set myself up for success by purchasing a couple apple for myself at dessert time. I skipped the apples entirely. I returned home and desired more food, perhaps a little more punishment would be good for me, but I finally listened to the spirits. With this post I'll will let the disappointment, questions, and experience of this day leave me, and I will try to remember what I truly want for my life tomorrow.

Confessions of a Cereal Compulsive Eater

b-none
l-10 chicken nuggets, 1 and 1/2 Chili's from Wendys
later in the afternoon-a turkeyburger and a slice of pizza
d-a big spinach salad, 3 lasagna rollups, 3 and 1/2 slices of cake, 2 scoops of ice cream
red light day
e-40 min of cardio, 20 minutes of weightlifting, and 10 of shooting the bb

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j sandwiches and milk
at work-the toppings off of 2 slices of hamburger pizza
l-Chicken Curry, 1/2 a Paratha, and 1/2 Garlic Naan
d-1 Donor Kabob, 1/2 Falafel Sand, and a few curry fries
green light day
e-65 minute carbon-free walk

My Ego

I recently went out to eat with another member of OA a couple days ago. We were talking about recovery and my recent struggles, and she asked me if I was "in relapse" and I said "no." I justified my response to her by making it explicitly clear that if I was in relapse I could and would be eating everything in sight all the time. However, during my walk this morning, the Spirits told me that if you don't call 23 pounds in two months, eating all the sugar you can handle, and removing yourself from your program of recovery relapse, then what is relapse? So, to my friend that shared that mediocre meal at LaMesa avec moi, I was definetly in relapse. My ego gets in my way all the time. I want to stay humble and be grateful for the blessings that are within my path. Not admitting that I was in relapse was a way for me to reject the feelings of shame and failure I had for not working my program.

My Next 100 pounds

So, I got my weight down to 440 lbs at my lowest point and then I started to backslide. On Oct 15, I weighed 455 and by Dec 28 I was up to 478. I have been in a rut with my physical recovery for about a year now, so I have been trying to get back to my OA basics. Three meals a day and no recreational sugar. I also have been back to exercising (about 5 day a week, instead of 2-3) and blogging as well. What is crazy to me is that during the past year I have felt this block inside of me, but I have been unwilling to deal with it. This block inside me has been the stress of having to leave school again, buying a new house, and the aftermath of buying this new house. However, I am now dealing with all of these issues now, by simply working my program of recovery. My OA programs keeps me mentally in check and I often forget how critical that is to my well being. If I eat right and exercise, I complete the maintenance tasks of my everyday life without procrastination. This is how I lost my first 100 pounds, and this is how I will lose the rest...

Intentions

I intend to hear my wife and be available for her when she needs me.
I intend to focus on reducing our family debt.
I intend to make someone I don't know laugh tomorrow.

Daily Report

b-plate of nachos
l-2 chicken sandwiches with doritos and 1/4 of a pickle
d-2 turkeyburgers w/ cheese and tomato
green light day
e-none

Intentions

I want to find a job that I enjoy doing so I can support my family if my wife wants does not return to work after having the baby.

I want to shout out "THANK YOU!" to the guy that flipped me off in traffic today. I got a really good laugh out of that.

I want my new baby to be healthy and happy.

Antonett

My sister was arrested for shoplifting. I'm not surprised, but I'm very grateful today that I made her kids my kids. Today my daughter Tanea said, "Daddy why is Mama Toni in jail?" I told her why and Tanea said, "I don't remember her." I was strangely sad. I don't really know why. I just want my sister to get better. I love you, Toni.

Daily Report

b-two soft tacos at my mama's house
l-combination plate from LaMesa
before dinner- a burrito and cheesy potatoes from taco bell
d-two chicken sandwiches and half a pickle
green light day
e-20 min of ST, 15 min of ELL, 20 of weights

Daily Report

b-plate of nachos
l-1 and 1/2 bowls of cereal, PB&J sandwich
d-6" pizza, 2 giant cheese breadsticks
yellow light day
e-1 hour walk

A wacky day...

I worked today, which is usually for me on a Tuesday. My intention was to go in and help on a busy day. I believe I accomplished that task, so for that I will be grateful. I want more work that generates money. I would love for it to not come from delivering pizzas. I intend to stay alerts for opportunities in which I can make money in entrepreneurial ways. I hope to find a new way to live by doing so.

Setting Intentions

I definitely need to start "setting intentions" for myself everyday. I believe that it helps me stay conscience. My recovery is not static, so I must reevaluate myself everyday. Being able to set goals that are reachable for myself is important to my recovery. I'm heavy in the struggle of letting things go in my life that will allow me to lose my next 100 pounds. Everything I have do recently has been "questionable." I need to start paying more attention. To help me do this, I will set the intention to blog at least every other day for the next week.

Today was a good day

Today I'm grateful for my wonderful family. I love having great days, and today was a great day.

Gift

I am at school today, and I really want to leave bad. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel so uneasy with everything around me. What is next? I don't have the answers. I'm suppose to put my faith in a higher power at this point....I think. I'm lost or at least I think I am. School is really mentally painful. It consumes a lot of time, and I'm not giving school an appropriate amount of my time. So all that turmoil really stresses me out. I keep feeling this way, and I keep waiting for these feelings to run their course. Running from school is not an option for me. I wonder why I always want to run from responsibilities that only I feel connected to. I don't feel school is connected to me at all. Maybe I can change that part. When I'm here I don't look forward to anything except 3:45p when I leave. I need to find something in this university that matters to me, otherwise, I won't be able to continue. Spirits save me I feel like I'm about to crash into something I can't even see. I need clarity.

I'm awake

Weight

I stepped on the scale for the first time since the 15th of June of Sunday. My current weight is 458 pounds. I'm back on the horse now, and I can't wait to see where I go.

Exercising Again.....

I've been to the gym three days in a row. It feels great. Now if I could just train myself to study I would be set. I'm committing myself to go study from 7PM-10PM at the UNO library. I've let the world know. The now I expect myself to be there. Thanks Spirits.

Since...

I've been gone I have:
purchased a house,
not stopped going to school,
a daughter in kindergarten,
purchased a car,
struggled tremendously with sugar,
a wife who is finally driving,
a wife who is back at work,
Lott Juniorita staying with us,
trashed all the sippy cups,
two little who can open doors now.

I will probably add to this later.

Pause Promoter

I talked to my pause promoter the other day, and she said, "Your blog is dead." I said, "No, it's not!" So, I'm here typing something. Recovery is painful my me because it is scary. I don't like to feel like the world has complete control over me, and my job is to submit. I fucking hate that. I want control over what happens, but that is not my answer today or anyday. I must continue to focus on what is in front of me to do this day and this day alone. The world will work itself out. I just need to do my part.