Daily Report

b - 2 pb&j's and a glass of milk
l - 2 slices of pizza, 1 breadstick, and 1 cup of spaghetti w/ meatsauce
d - 1/2 Crispy Orange Chicken Bowl & 1/2 Boneless Buffalo Wing Appetizer from Applebee's
at the movies - 2 cookies, 1/2 a medium pop corn, & king size m&m's

red light day

e - none

Humility

I have not been humbled by my compulsive overeating lately and cunning, baffling and power food has slipped right back into my life in a dangerous way. Today I accept who I am and what I do. Today I will work towards my goals and not live inside my fear.

Daily Report

b - pb&j and a glass of milk
l - 3 frozen fish fillets, 1 wheat bun, and steamed carrots, & 7 oreo cookies
n btwn - large chili cheese tot from sonic and large vanilla coke
d - 5 slices of pizza

red light day

e - 30 min of Stairmaster, 10 min of elliptical, and some hoops

Daily Report

b - bowl of oatmeal
l - 2 slices of pizza, salad and breadstick
d - 2 sloppy joe's and potato salad

green light day

e - none

Crazy

I told my wife yesterday, "my food has been crazy." Her response, "When was the last time you posted your food?" She stopped me dead in my tracks. No matter how much I hate to admit it, I am a compulsive overeater. Today, in order for me to recover, I need to be posting my food. I don't like to do it because I find it a bother, but making myself review my intake at the end of each is good for me. Writing it out doesn't let me rationalize what I did. I'm honest with my posting and if I don't like what I'm seeing then I need to change how I act. I'm so tired of repeating this process and I'm starting to get angry at myself for not sticking with this posting. I must let go of the angry and focus on the solution, today I will try to do that

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal w/ milk
l - two boca burgers and steamed carrots, afterwards a bowl of ice cream (1.5 cups) and 4 oreo's
d - 2 big tuna sandwiches and fritos (25-30 chips)

yellow light day

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster, 10 minutes of the elliptical, 15 minutes of shooting hoops

On a Tuesday, April Fool's Day, don't get caught slippin

"On a Tuesday, April Fool's Day, don't get caught slippin..." -Outkast - Decatur Psalm

Wow. I'm glad to post. I'm trying to learn new ways to live, and let go of some of my old habits. It is turning out to be the most frustrating thing I've ever done. I feel my resistance and I'm working on letting it go. The next level of life is waiting for me, and I'm trying to find the staircase.

Today I went to the gym for the second consecutive day, that has not happened in over a month! I feel good. I feel ready for whatever is next.

I'm talking about years and years

I have been questioning what's next for me on this journey of recovery. For the first time since I had been in recovery, my weight went up on my February 15 checkpoint. I have really been trying to focus on school, focus on getting the house in proper order (and maintaining that order), and focus on finding a better ways to parent. In the mean time, I have been so proud of myself for that I've have let other areas of my life slip. This problem that I have is one I'd like to let go of today, and I ask The Spirits to remove this defect of character from me. I want to be able to accept new positive responsibilities and not neglect other responsibilites that are also good for my growth as a person.

Food is not my answer. I know that. I have been acting within that mindframe for the most part, but not always. I need to get clean, all the way clean. I need to define my abstinence with food. So today I need to set that up. I need to have some conversations with people close to me that know about my eating disorder so I can get some help to take a strong step forward.

I bought this book Abstinence from OA and it has been helpful, I plan on continuuing to read it. I can do this one day at a time.

Daily Report

b-2 pbj english muffins
l-2 turkey sandwiches w/ chips and hummus
d-bowl of cereal, 2 boca burgers
green light day
e-none

Daily Reports

MON
b-bowl of cereal
l-2 servings of mexican lasagna, chips and a marshmallow bar
d-5 slices of pizza & 1 breadstick
green light day
e-none

TUES
b-3 donuts & milk
l-half a sandwich & soup from panera
d-two bowls or chicken and rice, a marshmallow bars and a side of rice
yellow light day
e-none

Room 4 Improvement

Thank goodness that recovering doesn't mean recovered. I hope it never does; I don't think it will. Today I ask the spirits to give me the strength to say yes to what I need to do in my life, even if it seems to overwhelming or to tedious. I see so many areas of life that need fixing sometimes I lose focus of the things right in front of me that help me get better. Today I need to focus on those things.

Daily Reports

TUES
b-pasta with meatballs
later on - 2 donuts
l-more pasta with meatballs
d-1 dbl cheeseburger, 1 and 1/2 rodeo cheeseburgers, and a king fry from BK
Red Light Day
e-30 minutes Stairmaster, and resistance training at 24HF

WED
b-can't remember
l-can't remeber
d-6 slices of pizza
Red Light Dinner
e-none

THUR
b-bacon, egg and cheese bagel from UNO student center
l-15 sausage cheese balls and a lettuce and tomato salad (4 balls would have been plenty)
d-2 servings of Mexican Lasagna and some Fritos
red light day
e-none

FRI
b-bowl of cereal
l-2 turkey sandwiches w/ fritos and hummus
d-Falafel w/ fries and 1/3 of my wife's leftover falafel
later on - king size m&m's
yellow light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of resistance training @ 24HF

SAT
b-bowl of cereal
l-7 layer burrito, chicken taco, baja bean chalupa and a rice from taco bell
d- 2 servings chicken fried rice
later on - sonice blast
yellow light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of resistance training @ 24HF

SUN - SUPERBOWL MADNESS
b-bowl of cereal
l-bowl of chili, 10 lil smokies, 2 cups of 6 bean salad, and 1 cup of fruit salsa w/ cinnamon chips
d-8 chicken wings & a big plate of blue corn chili cheese nachos
later on - a slice of triple chocolate cake
red light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24HF

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal
L - 2 salmon patties with rice and baby spinach
D - 2 bowls of pasta and meatballs
dessert - sonic blast

green light day

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster @ 24 HF and 20 minutes of hoops

Daily Reports

THURS

b - 2 granola bars and milk
l - taco and some nachos
d (@ work) - turkey and stuffing, later on some 3 breadstix and a piece of pecan pie

yellow light day

e - none

FRI

b - nothing (I forgot!)
l - turkey and stuffing that I took home from work
snack - 2 cookies from whole foods
d - crab dip w/ crackers

green light day



SAT

b - 1 and 1/2 turkey and cheese sandwich at home
l -jimmy john's sandwich
later on at work - 6 breadstix and an individual spaghetti
d - 3 slices of pizza and 2 breadstix

red light day

e - 30 min of StairMaster and weight resistance @ 24 HF


SUN

b - bowl of cereal
l - 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza, a breadstick, and some turkey and stuffing
d - 1 and 1/2 bowls of white sauce pasta and some walnuts

green light day

e - not yet

Daily Report

b- 1 pbj sandwich and 1/2 a bowl of cereal
later on - 3 nutri-grain bars
l-anger whopper, rodeo cheeseburger, 1/3 king size fry
d- 2 bowls of general chicken with rice and broccoli

yellow light day

e - none

Craptacular Food Days

I just had two real shitty food days. I have purchased donuts 4 out of the last 8 days for myself. I commit to stopping that right now. I must not run, that's what I have been doing since school started. I am not feeling willing to put in the work. Realizing that now I am going upstairs to my room to do homework. A man that is not prepared can never be ready. I said that to my dad almost 12 years ago before I got on a plane and came back to Nebraska. My time to prepare is now.

Daily Report Mon & Today

MON

B - bowl of cereal
L - Smotherd Pork Chop Special at Big Mama's Kitchen
n between lunch and dinner - 2 donuts and my left over Red Lobster from Sunday
D - Plate of nachos, fritos scoops with the beans and cheese after that
later on at my work X-Mas Party - some turkey and stuffing and pineapple

Red Light Day

e - 30 minutes of StairMaster and 20 of hoops @ 24HF


TUES

B - 2 english muffins
L - 2 servings of mexican lasagna with chips and dip
later on - 2 donuts
D - Falafel sandwich and some fries

Red Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b-skillet at VI with multigrain pancakes
d-admiral's feast @ Red Lobster
dessert - blondie brownie w/ a scoop of ice cream

yellow light day

e - 30 stairmaster, leg resistance training

Let's Make a Deal!

So I have not been posting my food on a regular basis, and I intended for that to continue to be the case. The reason for that is my food has not been a problem for me. I'm not saying that I am no longer a compulsive eater. I'm just saying that I have been taking the proper steps to make sure my compulsion is not kicking my ass everyday. However, it seems that my mommy really enjoys reading my daily reports. Well I've been trying to get my mom to just think about journaling her food; she refuses. So I made a deal with her, I continue to blog my food if she journals hers and reports it to me. It is about accountability with other people that gets us better. None of us can do it alone. Letting pride, fear, embearassment, or anything else get in the way of our recovery means we are not being true to ourselves. I want to reveal my true self; not only to me, but to the world. I want my family to happy, healthy, and progressive. I have to become the change I want to see. I will continue to do that with the guidance of the people I trust with my life everyday.

Daily Report for Fri & Sat

Friday
early in the am - 2 donuts
breakfast - bowl of cereal
lunch - double cheeseburger & fries
dinner - fire spinach with rice
dessert - sonic blast
yellow light day
exercise - none

Saturday
breakfast - bowl of cereal
lunch - 2 grilled cheese and half a bowl of tomato soup
dinner - 3 tostadas, 1 taco, about 10 frito scoops with some beans and cheese
green light day
exercise - 30 minutes of StairMaster & 20 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24HF

The Experience of Recovery

I want to get more of myself into this blog. I have been struggling to get to it as of late. This blog is a good thing for me to have. I need to express a more personal side here. I want to find more people looking for recovery in a positive way. I want people with me that want to be honest, fearless and thorough. I'm not looking to drag anyone or listen to their bullshit.

Weight Report

My monthly number is in. I currently weigh 440. That is a 5 pound loss from last month. I definitely like the feel of losing weight over the holidays. Thank Allah they are over.

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - half a big burro from el aguila
d - plate of chili nachos
dessert - serving of strawberry shortcake

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - a plate of bean nachos
d - 2 bowl of vegetarian fried rice

green light vegetarian day

e - 30 of walking at 24HF, 20 minutes of weight training

The Return of Paul Jackson

Wow....I feel like a foreigner on my own blog. Well things have really been moving and shaking for me literally and figuratively. My wife and I have been hitting the gym almost everyday since we've been on winter recess. We have been moving around rooms in the house, getting rid of tons of own stuff from crap to kids clothes, and we are trying to feng shui things up a bit. Life is good. I have been taking responsibility for myself and I have been making good choices. The Spirits have been guiding me, and I have been listening. Living in the light feels really good. It feels like what life is supposed to feel like.

Merry Christmas

b - none
l - a bowl of pasta with meatballs
snack - 7 or 8 choc. chip cookies
d - 3 servings of ham, some fruit, 1 serving of cheesy potatoes

red light day

e - none

Daily Report

b- 2 croissant, cheese, and fruit
l-split 2 entrees with KT at Applebee's
d-1 croissant turkey sandwich and a brownie

green light day

e - 30 minutes of Stairmaster @ 24HF

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
while at work today - 4 breadsticks, a brownie, & a slice of pizza
d - 1 bowl of soup, 1 slice of homemade wheat bread
green light day

Today I'm grateful I brushed my teeth twice today....minty fresh aaahhhhhh!

E - 30 stairmaster and resistance training

Daily Report for Yesterday

b - 2 biscuit sandwiches
l - #9 from Jimmy John's and some BBQ chips
d - Super Nacho and 2 tacos from Taco John's

red light day (not because of quantity as much, everything was fast food)

e - 30 minutes StairMaster, 20 shooting hoops @ 24HF.

Weight Report

445 @ 24hf 2 days ago, down 5 from last month.

Let's get it.

The smell of vomit is so gross.....

I know the smell of vomit is so gross because I held my sick little girl a lot today. I hope she is better tomorrow, sick children can really take it out of me. Then, I want take-out. LOL.

I need to work on my paper for philosphy tomorrow, even if Geni is still sick. Life cannot be my excuses for complacency. Somebody let the world know I'm coming. . . . .

Daily Report

b - cereal w/ milk
l - 2 slices of pizza and spinach dip and crackers
d - 3 drumstix, 2 thighs, 2 biscuit, some fries and mashed potatoes

yellow light day

e - none.

No, No, No

Today I woke up hungry. I know that what I'm feeling is physical hunger, however, I cannot go eat. If I start eating at 5:30am the choices that I'll make will not be good ones. I decided to come and post something to my blog instead. Lately, my food has been tough for me. I keep rationalizing eating more food, and I haven't been dealing with those feelings lately. School for the most part is over for the semester, just one more paper to write and no finals left. I feel like binging almost everyday lately. I not sure what's is at the root of it, but I ask The Spirits to guide me away from food. I want to recover. These past couple of weeks have been difficult, but I made it through. "I" means that I have been using others to get me through. I cannot do this alone. I learned that in OA, even though I feel like I'm slipping away from many of the people there. I feel like my fellow members of OA helped me open a door to the discovery of my compulsive overeating. I thought when I walked through that door I would be going on an adventure of self-recovery with people that wanted to get better like me. That doesn't feel like the case a year and a half later. I feel like it's time for me to branch out into the world. Also, I feel like a need to stop labeling myself "recovering from compulsive overeating" because I want everyone to know how hard I'm trying to become a different person. I need to just live with all the new knowledge The Spirits have given me and just let myself grow, without any restrictions. I know that I am a person that wants to be good, and I want to make the world around me better. I just need to work on that.

Daily Report for Yesterday

b - 2 slices cinnamon raisin bread
l - chicken leg and thigh, a serving of potato salad, 2 piece of bread
snack - 1 slice of cinnamon raisn bread
d - 4 slices of pizza, 2 breadstix

yellow light day

Post Something

So I did. Fuck, life is crazy. I can't blame my life for letting go of the things that help.

Daily Report

b - 2 slices & 2 breadstix
l - side salad, 3 pieces of cheesebread, 3 slices of pizza, 2 glasses of soda
d - 10 chicken nuggets and a bowl of mac-n-cheese
later on - sonic blast

Yellow Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b-two cookies
l-plate of nachos
d- 1 & 1/2 bowls of rice and stirfried vegatables
dessert- 4 cookies and 2 scoops of ice cream

yellow light day

e - 45 minutes on treadmill at 24HF

Daily Report

b-2 pieces of chicken and half a taco
l-turkey footlong from subway
d-plate of nachos
later on - 9 chocolate chip cookies

red light day

e - none

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-3 eggs w/ toast and salsa
l-2 squares of lasagna
d-7 tacos, 1 piece of cake and 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream

red light day

e-30 stairmaster, 20 shooting hoops

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - 4 drumstick, large cajun rice, some fries, some shrimp cravers, and a biscuit from Popeye's
d - 3 pieces of lasagna, 2 pieces of carrot cake and 3 scoops of ice cream

Red Light Day

e - none

U can't tell me nothing

1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
No.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I'd sell them on ebay...ppl will buy anything
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
michael jackson and ice cube
4. What is the best thing about your job?
i get to drive around and listen to my loud ass music

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class?
no

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
canada

9. Quote a song lyric?
"The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby
And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich"

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
both

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
no

13. If you could be an animal what would you be?
elephant

14. What state/country are you from?
nebraska

15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.
how bout i don't

16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
on vacation mofos

17. What is your favorite smell?
DKNY Be Delicious

18. What is your favorite sight?
the sun

19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
neg

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
jeah

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
jeah...i was an angry teenager

23. Have you ever played Spin the bottle?
yes

24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house?
no

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
yes,...

26. Have you ever gone camping?
jeah

27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
jeah...

28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
no

29. Have you ever drank?
jeah

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
just the police...but i'm black and i live in omaha

32. have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
all the time

33. Have you ever been cheated on?
i hope not...that would really fuck up this whole marriage thing

34. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
jeah

35. Have you ever lied to your parents?
...duhhh

36. Have you ever been out of the US?
i got married in canada...bitches

37. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
no

38. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
no

39. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
oh yea...yikes

40. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
idk

41. Kissed more than one person at a time?
no

Daily Report

b - 1 & 1/2 pb&j
l - 1 plate of food (some dressing, mini-taco, veggie pockets, & some chicken nuggets)
d - runza and onion rings

Yellow Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - falafel w/ fries
d - 1 and 1/2 soup with tomato bread
later on - king size snickers

Yellow Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b- bowl of cereal
l - 3 slices of pizza, w/ some leftover veggie chili w/ fritos
d- 2 helping of turkey and 2 helpings of stuffing
later on - 2 hand fulls of peanut m&m's

Yellow Light Day

e - 2.0 miles at Norris Middle School track, 5 minutes of running bleachers

Daily Report for Yesterday

b - 3 fried eggs w/ cheese and salsa and 2 slices of toast
l - 2 triple cheeseburger from BK
d - 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dipping
3 hand fulls of peanut m&m's

Yellow Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - 2 open-face egg salad sandwiches and some cheese nips
snack - 1/2 an egg salad sandwich and 4 snackwell cookies
d - 2 chili dogs, 1 hot dog, and a can of corn

green light day

Today I'm grateful for wanting what I have.

e - 50 minutes of walking @ 24HF

Daily Report

b - 2 open-face egg salad sandwiches and some crackers
l - personal pizza and 1/2 an individual spaghetti w/ meatsauce
d - 3 slices of pizza and a breadstick

Green Light Day

Today I'm grateful for pull-ups.

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster and 10 minutes of hoops @ 24

Daily Report

b - cheese, crackers, pickles, & summer sausage
l - some grapes and 2 bites of strawberry yogurt
d - some more cheese, crackers, summer sausage, but also with eggsalad and bread
later on - sonic blast
even later on - half a my sister's sonic blast

Red Light Day

Today I'm grateful for My Breezy YO!'s touch on my skin.

e - 45 minutes of treadmill, and 10 minutes of shooting hoops and 24

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal
Thanksgiving Dinner - 2 plates of food, 1/2 slice of pumpkin pie, 1/2 slice of cherry pie, 2 slices of apple pie

Yellow Light Day

Today I'm grateful for an invitation to come and spend the holiday with people that I love.

e - 30 minutes of StairMaster, 25 minutes of shooting hoops

Daily Report

b - can of slim fast
l - soft taco and a grilled stuft burrito from Taco Bell
d - 4 slice of pizza and 2 breadsticks

Green Light Day

I'm grateful today that I am willing to "do the work" of recovery.

e - 30 stairmaster, 15 treadmill @ 3.8mph and 30 shooting hoops @ 24HF

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - 3 slices of pizza and 2 breadstix
d - 1 and 1/2 bowl of marinara spaghetti and a can corn
dessert - oreo sonic blast

yellow light day

Today I'm glad all the time is not mealtime.

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster, 15 treadmill @ 4.0, and 10 minutes of shooting hoops at 24HF

Weight Report

2 days ago at 24HF I weighed myself for the month. I'm at 450, down 2 lbs from last month. I have been lackadaisical with my food and my exercise over the past month. It's time to get back into a more normal stride and start listening to my body

Daily Report

B - 3 slices of thin crust pizza and 2 breadstix
L - 1 plate at my daughters pre-school thanksgiving dinner
S - 5 or 6 fritos with hummus, and a cheese stick
D - lasagna and a cesar salad

Today I'm grateful I'm outta school for a whole week!

E - 43 minutes walking at 4.0 mph and 15 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24HF

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal
L - 2 breadstix and bean burrito
D - plate of veggie chili nachos

Today I'm grateful that I hear my body.

E - 30 minutes of treadmill and 20 of shooting hoops at 24HF

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal
l - falafel sandwich and some fries
d - 3 slices of pizza and 2 breadstix

Green Light Day

Today I'm grateful for Bob Marley

e - 30 minutes of StairMaster and 20 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24 HF.

Late Daily Reports

Thursday, November 15, 2007

b - bowl of cereal
l - 2 open face turkey sandwiches
d - 2 slices of pizza, 2 breadstick, half of a spaghetti

Green Light Day

E - none

Friday, November 16, 2007

b - bowl of cereal
l - half a Frescetta Pizza with garlic hummus
d - 1 and 1/2 Falafal Sandwiches w/ a few fries and some chips and hummus
later on - Reese's Sonic Blast

Yellow Light Day

E - None

Good-bye Mr. King Size

When I came into OA I cut my food by 50%. That was easy because I made some rules that I was willing to live by. Now it is time for me to rewrite those rules again. For about 4 months now my mind has been fighting with my stomach about food. I will be in the act of eating something and my body will tell my I have had enough. However, my mind keeps telling me to keep eating. I don't want to do that anymore. Today I'm giving up eating more food than I need.

My entire life I have lived for big meals. I'm not talking about just during the holiday season or a birthday celebration or something like that. I'm talking about everyday breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wanted big meals all the time. I was at a buffet if and only I was experiencing life to the fullest. That's sounds like a weird statement I know, but the only time I truly remember uncontrollable bliss is when I was in the presence of more food than I could handle. Even though I have stopped eating to that level of excess, I have still been holding on to that bliss from compulsive eating.

For today, I realize that I need to release more of my food. I have been losing weight at a pace of about 8 lbs a month since a joined 24 Hour Fitness in May. I know that I must be willing to do this for continuation of my recovery to keep happening. I want to eat like a normal person, that doesn't mean I will think like a normal person does about food. I'm ok with that. I have tools today to help deal with my disease of compulsive eating. Knowing that, I must now say my good-byes to eating more food than I need to live.

I have a responsibility to love and care for myself, excess food takes away from that.

Love is not large quantities of food.

Being overweight hides who I really am.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

Less food equals a smaller me, and a smaller me can live for a long time.

I want to be alive when my kids have kids.

Excess food equals death for me.

Eating right keeps my spirit alert, aware and ready for action.

I deserve the next level of life, to get there I'm letting go of this excess food.

Normal exists for a reason, I want to experience it.

Good-bye Mr. King-Size, you are dismissed.

Daily Report for Yesterday

b - bowl of cereal w/ milk
l - falafel sandwich w/ curry fries
snack - king size snickers
d - 4 pieces of chicken, serving of mashed potatoes and a biscuit from Popeye's
after the gym - king size m&m's

red light day

Today I'm grateful for my struggles.

e - 1 hour personal training appointment at 24hf

I'm exicited....

I'm excited to get today over with. I have a long school day, errands to run, personal trainer appointment at 9pm at 24HF, and an OA meeting at 7:30 today. Despite my crying, I'm excited to have this full life. I'm grateful for this life, I love it.

Daily Report for Yesterday

B - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
L - 2 Chicken Sandwiches, 1/2 PB&J
D - Gyro & Fries
Later On - Slice of Pie

Today I grateful that I have friends.

E - 30 of StairMaster @ 24 Hour Fitness, and 20 minutes of shooting hoops.

Daily Report for Yesterday

B - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
L - Cheesy Beefy Melt, 7 Layer Burrito and Rice from TB
Snack - Snickers Bar
D - 2 bowls of soup, leg, 2 thighs off a rotisserie chicken, and an apple

Today I'm grateful I have a plan

E - None

Daily Report for Yesterday

B - bowl of cereal
L - Turkey Sandwich and 1/2 a PB&J
D - 2 serving of rice, stir fry vegetables and General Chicken
Later On - 4 oatmeal raisin cookies

Today I'm grateful that my left knee is now without pain.

E - 2.4 miles on FCT

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal w/ milk
L - 2 PB&Js
D - Falafel sandwich and fries

Today I'm grateful that I have the ability to act on life instead of just reacting.

E - None

Daily Report for Yesterday

B - bowl of oatmeal
L - Gyro and Fries
D - 1 and 1/2 bowls of pasta w/ 3 pieces of spinach garlic bread

Green Light Day

Today I'm grateful that my feet touch the floor when I sit on the toilet.

E - None

People in my life

K8thekat, Nia, Geni, Baby X, Momz, Peedie, Dizzle, Jill, Chicken Mom, Cornbread, Randa, Mr. Corry, Jacqueline, Cherrisse, Granny Cook, Eze, Ike, Aunt Julia, Mr. Coughran, Ms. Martin, niQ, baby duky, & Dr. Coughran I love you all. Thanks for being around.

Holla @ ya boy,
Paul Jackson

Disappearing Act

I have been gone for a week from my blog. I have been whining, griping, fighting with myself, my wife and my life. Resistance never gets me anywhere. The world taught me a big lesson this past week. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of anything. So, I am gonna slow down and get back to some basics for me. I have kinda let go my focus at school, that is behavior I'm notorious for doing. I am recomposing myself and not letting myself quit. Quitting is my old forte. I have 2 "B's" and 1 "C" in the courses I am currently taking. I should have 3 "A's," but I also should be 200 lbs. I haven't put in the work, on either front yet, so why should I have results I haven't worked towards. On the school front, I'm moving forward. On the recovery part, I'm moving forward. My last week of food has been OK, nothing horrid nothing fabulous. However, I'm realizing that I want to participate in some sort of compulsive behavior when I'm feeling disgruntled, angry, or out of place and I won't let myself eat. That's when I need to get to a meeting, but I haven't been to one in over a week. I missed my regular one for a Friday night photoshoot at the Walmart portrait studio, not my idea of fun. I have other tools for getting to a better mental place, and this blog is one of them. I don't know why I run from the things that help me "get better" when I'm in a "bad place." Today I realize that this is going on at least, and I'm trying to update my thinking for the future. Anyways, my daily report will consist of a something I am grateful for that day (I probably won't do this forever). I will also start adding if I execised that day. Moving my body gives me time to focus on me in a really healthy way. I need to make the best effort I can exercise daily.

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal w/ milk
L - Spaghetti and 1 and 1/2 Giant Breadstix from work
D - 3 Tacos

Today I am grateful for my opportunity to recover from compulsive eating. Not everyone gets this gift. I want this gift, I need to make sure that I take care of it.

E - Today is walked 2.2 miles on the FCT.

AfterMATH

Today was the day that my two take-home tests were due, and I had an in-class test in Abstract Math. I'm so glad it's over. I can't remember ever pushing myself through such a tough period of academics and I've come out the other side ok. I didn't binge, isolate, shut-down, or shut-off. I let myself have my feelings, but didn't let them sideline my life's responsibilities. This is due to my recovery from compulsive eating. I can't wait to see what this world has in store for me. I just need to remember to stay open to world's messages. I love life, whether "I want out" or I'm as happy as a clam. I am thankful for that gift today.

I'm living,
Paul Jackson

Food

b - bowl of cereal w/ milk
l - 12 subway club
d - 2 hot dogs and a can of corn.
later on - some hummus and flatbread

throughout the day - I had about 10 pieces of Halloween candy

Yellow Light Day

Food for Yesterday

B - bowl of cereal w/ milk, 1 piece of apple cake
L - 1 and 1/2 PBJ w/ milk
D - 2 chili dogs, some chips, cheese and chili on the side, and a piece of apple cake

Yellow Light Day

Weight Report

I finally got to 24 Hour Fitness to weigh myself for the month. It has been an amazing autumn in Omaha, so I've been doing all my execising outdoors. My weight is 452, down from 462 last month.

Food

B - Bowl of oatmeal
L - 2 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks
D - Vegetable Fried Rice, 2 Eggrolls, 3 Crab Rangoon, 3 Chicken Wings Pieces

Green Light Day

Food 4 10/26 & 10/27

Friday - 10/26
B - Bowl of Cereal w/ milk
L - Falafel Sandwich w/ fries and bowl of tuna casserole
D - El Kitchen Sinko Nachos
Yellow Light Day

Saturday - 10/27
B - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Through the day @ work - 3 breadsticks, 2 bites of pasta salad, 2 bites of a brownie.
D - 2 Bowls of chili w/ fritos
Desert - Small Brownie with a scoop of ice cream
Green Light Day

I want out

I have been feeling really trapped inside myself the last few days. I haven't done the things I've been needing to do all week. I feel like right now life is to hard to live. I want things to be easier. I know that sounds lame, but I don't feel like I have the energy to go forward and do anything right now. I'm feeling really fearful, and I want to get to a better place. I know there is some work that must be done like; taking a shower, cleaning the kitchen, start working on my philosophy paper, study for my stats test Monday. I've just been beat down with sick whiny children all day, and I am wiped out. However, I can't afford to get anymore behind with my responsibilities. My food has been out of whack the past 2 or 3 days. I know that's a good place to check my barometer, but I just don't want to be a food addict today. I want to let loose into my old world where my ignorance was my bliss, but I can't let myself down. I will not let myself down. I want out of this skin.

Food

Mon - 10.22
Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Rice and Vegtables
Dinner - 5 pieces of chicken from Popeye's and a biscuit
Green Light Day

Tues - 10.23
Breakfast - bowl of cereal
Lunch - I can't remember
Dinner - 5 chicken tacos

Wed - 10.24
Breakfast - 2 pieces of leftover chicken & some leftover seasame chicken
Lunch - Falafel w/ grape soda
Later on - 2 chicken tacos
Dinner - Bacon cheeseburger toaster & oreo sonic blast
Red Light Day

Thur - 10.25
Breakfast - 3 fried eggs w/ 2 slices of toast with hummus, cheese and salsa
Lunch - 2 PB&J's and a 32oz glass of milk
Dinner - 2 bowls of tuna casserole
Yellow Light Day

Me and My Breezy YO!

Katie and I went on a new trail for exercise today. It was amazing. Exercising is really important to me now. I want to live closer to the fantastic walking trails that are in my community. I want to live in way North Omaha. I love it there. I'm just putting this down so I'll remember it.

Food

Breakfast- Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 tacos, cheesy beefy melt and a pintos and cheese from Taco Bell
at the bowling alley - snickers bar
Dinner - 1.5 enchiladas and 1.5 slices of pizza and a can of corn

Green Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Leftover rice with mixed vegetables and a chicken drumstick
Lunch - 6" inch personal pizza and some spinach noodle pasta
Dinner - 2 slices of pizza and 5 chicken wing pieces

Green Light Day

Food for Yesterday & Today

10-18-07 Thursday
Breakfast - PB&J
Lunch - chicken and veggie stir fry
Dinner - 2 chicken spinach and cream cheese enchiladas
Desert - 4 oreo's and some vanilla ice cream

Yellow Light Day

10-19-07 Friday
Breakfast - Gyro w/ chips and hummus
Lunch - 2 slices of pizza
Dinner - Falafel sandwich w/ chips and hummus

Green Light Day

My Powerlessness

Admitting that I was powerless over food was probably the easiest thing I had ever done. I believe I was somewhere near 600 pounds when I started OA, so thinking that I somehow felt in control in any way of my food was ridiculous. However, now I believe that my eating is becoming more and more normal everyday. So, why do I still feel powerless over food?

The feeling of powerlessness doesn't come from the amount of food I put in my body, but from any amount of food that goes into my body. Just today for example, I had 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich with water for breakfast. I used to eat three of them in one sitting and a least 32 ounces of milk to wash down all that thick ass peanut butter. I was trying to fill a void with food. After breakfast today my eating disorder still tells me I need more food, but my physical body is satisfied. Even when I eat normally my thinking is still corrupt about food. I feel powerless against it's effect on me. Now, does that mean I just say fuck it. No, because giving in to my compulsive eating makes me go numb. I loose all my focus, I get angry at myself, I feel worthless, I start doubting my life is worth living. I can't express the pain I will always live with knowing that I let food run my life for 26 years.

Food became the friend that was always there, never got angry, and my number one focus on a daily basis. I have always had jobs that catered to my self-abuse and binging. I would not go places because I wanted to eat. I would go places based on the food that would be available. Whenever I went to a buffet as a kid I could always remember my mom telling me to, "get her money's worth." I got that and more. I don't like the way food makes me feel, even when I enjoy it, even when I don't overeat, I always feel guilty. Guilt-free eating is something I know nothing about. I cannot change that, it is something that I will always have to live with I guess. I am getting more comfortable with it. I don't know if that is something that can be relieved working 12 steps. Maybe, just sitting with that level of uncomfortableness everyday is just what I need to remind myself that I have the disease of compulsive overeating.

Food

Breakfast - bowl of cereal w/milk
Lunch - Falafel sandwich w/ curry fries
Dinner - Side Salad, 1 cup of rice mixed with greek pototoes, and a couple french fries.

Green Light Day

My Living Problem

I went to an OA retreat this weekend and I left greatly disappointed. I left seething at the fact that people will actually make an effort to come to an event that is about self-recovery and then at the retreat make no commitments to recover. I'm sick of all the no-go gettas. I'm disgusted with people not realizing that this problem of compulsive overeating, then turns into compulsive dieting, then back to compulsive eating again. The aforementioned cycle is one of death. Turning my mind over to a complete new way of thinking was the only way out. As I see myself looking upon those in the death cycle, I get angry. I want to help them, but I cannot because they don't want to change. So, I have recommitted myself to reaching out to people looking for a real complete lifestyle change. I have to make sure I do this in a honest, loving and caring way (this is not logically equivilent to soft and gentle). The honest truth we when are lying to ourselves in usually painful. OA is a great thing that has lead to much joy and abundance in my life because I have been honest, fearless and thorough throughout. I work OA like my life depends on it because it does. Daily weigh-ins, counting calories, compulsive exercising, obsessing about my next meal, lying about my food to myself, having dishonesty run rampant in my life are just some of the things I had to give up in order to work my program in OA. Changing my life has been up to me, how my life changes is up to The Spirits that guide and watch over me daily. My most undeniable proof of this is my physical recovery.

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 open-face tuna salad sandwiches and half a pickles
Dinner - 2 boca burger patties w/ cheese and 1 cup of rice w/ mix vegetables
Late Night - 1 boca patty and 1/2 cup of rice w/ mixed vegetables

Yellow Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 3 slices of pizza and a can of corn
Snack - peanut butter m&m's regular size
Dinner - Beef Taco and 2/3 vegetarian nacho's from California Tacos & More
Late Night - 3/4 cup of bean dip w/ chips

Yellow Light Day

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - Country Fried Steak and Eggs w/ multi-grain pancakes
Lunch - King Size Snickers
Dinner - 3 slices of Pizza from Papa John's and a can of corn

Green Light Day

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - nothing
Lunch - 3 slices of pizza, 3 mini sandwiches, raw carrots, a 1/2 a pickle
Dinner - 1 and 1/2 bowls of white chili, 1 and 1/2 cheese and peanut butter sandwiches, and a diet twist up

Green Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Glass of chocolate milk
Lunch - Some bean dip and chips
Dinner - Bowl of oatmeal

Green Light Day

P.S. I'm sick, so dPublish Poston't think by any means I would eat this little of my own volition.

Let's Get It

30 minutes of StairMaster.
I also did my weights.

Food

Breakfast - 2 open face PBJ's w/ milk
Lunch - Bean Dip w/ corn chips
Dinner - 3 pieces of chicken, large cajun rice, and 1 biscuit from Popeye's.

Green Light Day

Why I Post My Food

What goes into my mouth shows a great deal about how I am dealing with life. Dealing with life on life's terms is what I truly have a problem with. Compulsive eating and obsessing about food, are just my own personal self-destructive escapes from living my life. So posting my food is a huge deal to me, because what I put in my body is a representation everyday of how much I valued myself that day. Food journaling represents me much like a thermometer presents a temperature. The thermometer is not the temperature, but it can give you a great representation of what it feels like outside.

I need to post something everyday, so posting my food helps me do that. I am afflicted with the disease of compulsive eating, and reporting my food daily is quite humbling. Being humbled by the revelation that I am a compulsive eater lets me help others who suffer from the same condition. It helps me log in and post to this blog. I know that I would not stay on top of this blog if I did not make it a regular part of my life.

I encourage all of you who are suffering to: turn down the food, turn up the life.

Food

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Falafel sandwich and a grape soda
Dinner - Shrimp Hot Garlic Sauce (that's what it says on the menu), 2 crab ragoon, and 1 egg roll

Green Light Day

24 Hour Fitness

Up early today, and my exercise for the day is already behind me.
20 minutes on the StairMaster
20 minutes of shooting hoops
10 minutes of swimming

Food & Exercise

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - Veggie Sandwich from Jimmy John's, w/ Fritos and grapes
Dinner - Valentino's Buffet, 2 plates, 1 desert

Walked for 50 minutes n my hood - 3 miles

Food

Breakfast - bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 chicken taco's and 1 steak taco at Chipotle
Snack - 3 vegan oatmeal raisin cookies
Dinner - 6 morningstar chik'n nuggets and a bowl of mac-n-cheese

Rethink, Huh, What, Nevermind?

I have trouble reporting my food everyday. I already know this. I'm just officially documenting my resistance. I have a lot of resistance in me. I need to find a way to release it that is positive. I know that I will get there. I just have to keep trusting all of the tools that have gotten me this far.

I have excercised this week by the way. I do it almost routinely, so I don't always think to blog it.
I went for at least a 40 minute walk 3 times this week.

I dumped some shit out of my life this week, so I'm waiting for another shipment from The Spirits for something new and exciting.

Holla @ ya boi,
-Paul Jackson

Food for Yesterday and Today

10.6.7 - Saturday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk
Lunch - an apple and a half, some fritos w/ velveeta dip (not too much)
Dinner - Lobster Tail and Mixed Seafood platter from Red Lobster, w/ a salad and 5 cheddar biscuits, I also had some of my wife's buffalo shrimp and a couple shrimp scampi

Yellow Light Day

10.7.7 - Sunday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/milk
Lunch - 2 grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches w/ a can of corn
@ bowling - 1/2 an order of breaded mushrooms w/ nacho cheese
Dinner - 5 Veggie Tacos
Dessert - Warm Cookie w/ 3 scoops of ice cream

Red Light Day

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of oatmeal
Lunch - 2 Tuna Sandwiches on Kaiser Buns, and less that 10 Fritos Scoops
Crap I just ate - 3 pieces of crust from my daughters personal pan pizza dipped in pintos and cheese (I swear, I'd do it again....it was good)
Dinner - Chinese buffet, I had two plates of food that is my maximum allowed.

Yellow Light Day

Note - Any day I go to a buffet....I don't have a green light day.

Food

Breakfast - Bowl of Life cereal w/ milk
Lunch - 2 Boca Burgers w/ cheese, baby spinach, and tomato, & 1 cup of saffron rice
Snack - Granola Bar
Dinner - 8 mini tacos, 2 chicken nuggets, 8 tortilla chips w/ some velveeta dip
Dessert - 2/3 of a cookie and 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream

Yellow Light Day

Two Days of Food

10.2.07 - Tuesday
Breakfast - Bowl of cereal w/ milk & the last piece of leftover chicken
Lunch - 2 eggs with 2 tortilla & cheese & the leftover veggie chili nachos
N Btwn - a big ol' choc chunk cookie
Dinner - 5 slices of pizza, the toppings of another slice, and some monkey bread

Obviously the is a Red Light Day

10.3.07
Breakfast - Two Breakfast Sandwiches from BK, about 12 hashbrowns, 3 sips of juice (the kids were going hard on that juice)
Lunch - Gyro from King Kong (no fries, this is a good thing)
Dinner - 5.5 fish planks, 6 hush puppies, 1.5 corn on the cob, & some fries.

I took my frustration of today out on my body. This level of eating is horrendous. Red Light Day

If not doing this is to simple, I need to go back to the basics. Tomorrow, I'll get back to the basics.

Food for Yesterday

Breakfast - bowl of oatmeal w/apples
Lunch - Combo platter from Carlos O'Kelley's
Snack - two pieces of leftover fried chicken from Popeye's
Dinner - two veggie chili cheese frito burritos

Water all day
Yellow Light Day