Today was a good day

Today I'm grateful for my wonderful family. I love having great days, and today was a great day.

Gift

I am at school today, and I really want to leave bad. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel so uneasy with everything around me. What is next? I don't have the answers. I'm suppose to put my faith in a higher power at this point....I think. I'm lost or at least I think I am. School is really mentally painful. It consumes a lot of time, and I'm not giving school an appropriate amount of my time. So all that turmoil really stresses me out. I keep feeling this way, and I keep waiting for these feelings to run their course. Running from school is not an option for me. I wonder why I always want to run from responsibilities that only I feel connected to. I don't feel school is connected to me at all. Maybe I can change that part. When I'm here I don't look forward to anything except 3:45p when I leave. I need to find something in this university that matters to me, otherwise, I won't be able to continue. Spirits save me I feel like I'm about to crash into something I can't even see. I need clarity.

I'm awake

Weight

I stepped on the scale for the first time since the 15th of June of Sunday. My current weight is 458 pounds. I'm back on the horse now, and I can't wait to see where I go.

Exercising Again.....

I've been to the gym three days in a row. It feels great. Now if I could just train myself to study I would be set. I'm committing myself to go study from 7PM-10PM at the UNO library. I've let the world know. The now I expect myself to be there. Thanks Spirits.

Since...

I've been gone I have:
purchased a house,
not stopped going to school,
a daughter in kindergarten,
purchased a car,
struggled tremendously with sugar,
a wife who is finally driving,
a wife who is back at work,
Lott Juniorita staying with us,
trashed all the sippy cups,
two little who can open doors now.

I will probably add to this later.

Pause Promoter

I talked to my pause promoter the other day, and she said, "Your blog is dead." I said, "No, it's not!" So, I'm here typing something. Recovery is painful my me because it is scary. I don't like to feel like the world has complete control over me, and my job is to submit. I fucking hate that. I want control over what happens, but that is not my answer today or anyday. I must continue to focus on what is in front of me to do this day and this day alone. The world will work itself out. I just need to do my part.