I'm still here learning....

 More to come sooner than nine years away.

OH SNAP!

Please, be kind - don't drop the rock on me!

I've ready to challenge myself tomorrow and set myself up for success.

Today's Word

I trust in God like the sun in the sweltering summer Nebraska heat.  Life is that sweltering relentless unmanageable heat.  My HP is the air conditioning, a cold glass of water, or a breezy spot under a shaded tree whenever I need it.  This reminds me of what I prefer - which is to walk with God.  Today I understand that my HP doesn't  have to measure up to that of others.  My HP can be called God, The Spirits, Allah, Malcolm, Jesus, or Immanuel.  They all speak to me through the through my individualized interaction in the world.  It is easy to find HP in a quiet morning meditation, but sometimes more greatly appreciated in the confines of a crazy day.  Just for today, I will trust god to open the doors to my success.  I do not and will not back door my way into situations.  A desire to grow and willingness to do work today seems more important than winning cheaply and getting something for less work than most.  I have no greater value than anyone else in the world today.  My perception often leads me to think otherwise like "ya'll stuck without me."  Today I ask, Will you show me how can I benefit my family and my fellows in a useful way?

I have usually wanted to be profound.  Today I just want to be.  When I started this blog, I wanted to be a superstar.  Leading the charge of profound recovery from morbid obesity.  However, what I have found is that I'm a much more normal than that.  Before these last five months I've always believed that somehow I'm more valuable than you because I'm truly a gift to this world.  I've since learned otherwise.  I want to contribute today the most effective way that I can.  Gratitude lists and asking for good orderly direction is how I function today.  I do not do it perfectly, nor do I try.  Letting down people is something that I have really had to face and accept.  In the past, it has been impossible for me to take 100% responsibility for my actions with 0 zero excuses.  Skirting why I didn't perform has always been tops on my explanation list.  For today, I have acceptance of myself and my fellows.  Life is for living and today I want to perform because I have the ability to.  Assigning blame to myself and others doesn't help me recover, enjoy life, fulfill potential, and enhance situations positively.  So today, I am whatever I am.  I accept that first.  Next, I act.  My momma always told me, "Faith without action is dead." Today, I carry that statement with me in all my affairs.  I'm committing to returning to this blog frequently to document my fears, my accomplishments, and my recovery.  I hope that I can be of service to any who understands or doesn't understand my story.

30 workout in 30 days and over new commitments of quality.

I'm going to do 30 workouts in 30 days.  I know that doesn't seem extreme, and it's not.  It's just a plan of working out each day I wake up for the next 30 days.  On the thirtieth day I'm going to be speaking at an event and I'm excited to report my progress.

Just for today - I'm here.

OK.  I've been working the program of life on my higher power's terms, one day at a time consistently since October 2012.  I now believe anything is possible.  Letting go of my desires and asking my Higher Power what is best for me is the only way to live with spiritually clarity today.  I can "let solutions come," and be patience.  Understanding the spirits work in their own time - sometimes it's 5 seconds or maybe 5 years.  My job today is to take care of my responsibilities.

Welcome

Wow, I haven't touched my blog in almost a year. The day of my last post was the day my daughter was born. I have learned so much, but I still cannot string together multiple days of quality abstinence. Today I returned more experienced, but still diseased. My crutch feels more burdensome than helpful, and still I'm scared of falling to the ground without it. My mother is providing me inspiration these days. Perhaps it's time I hop on her star and shine out. Death will willingly accept me, I need to show it I'm not ready.

Allah Akbar

I went outside today in my front yard and asked for guidance. I was told to get on my knees, as I faced the morning sun. Resistance ran through me like a squirrel dashing indecisively across a busy street, but eventually I came to my knees. I asked for guidance because my compulsive brain wants relief that my body has so desired for years. Yesterday, it was revealed to me that the compulsion to eat can be relieved. I am holding that close to me today as I move forward.

Daily Report for Sat

b-2 biscuit sandwiches and hashbrowns from bk
l-2 cheesy beef burritos, 2 bean burritos and an order of rice
d-2 black bean and cheese quesadillas
yellow light day
e-none

I'm a big kid now!

At 5:27am today I turned 30 years old. I started my day with a trip to the Old Market Farmer's Market with My Breezy Yo! Next I went to the gym sans ma famille and chopped it up with an old friend on the treadmill. When I returned home I took my niece to a doctor's appointment, chopped it up with my mom, and then returned home with two borrowed weedwackers and a borrowed mower. After a general purpose lunch with the family, I proceeded to crushing the yard of death (an assist goes out to Cornbread). Next, the whole fam watched Michael Jackson (RIP) videos as Jan Jan attempted to entertain the children. She ended up entertaining us all. Now off to the shower, My Breezy Yo! and I ventured out to the Pizza Shoppe for my birthday outing. It was the best experience ever at the PS. By the time we returned home, the children had already been shuttled off to their rooms for the night. About an hour later, Emenike called for Katie and I told her to just let him come down. My little boy layed right next to me for about an hour just making me feel special. Shortly thereafter, I received a couple unexpected phone calls. Achinike's voice is always an interesting sound. Later on Katie, Deekie and I all headed for bed where I am now writing this entry. I had a day filled with love. I can't ask for more than that.

The Next Episode ~ramble~

Three meals a day and nothing in between has really been working for me. I came home from the gym after class last night starving. Poor me, I didn't think I'd live to see the morning. My wife thinks I should smaller meals more often during the day. However, I disagree because 3 times in the cage a day is plenty. Going to the gym yesterday was really great. I felt really healthy all day today because of it. I walked the kids up to the pool today. They loved it. I did too. Mommy stayed at home and got some alone time. My CCNA classes our going great. I love them. I'm even reading the curriculum when I'm not at school....AMAZING! I'm grateful today that I have found something that I really love. I think I have found a way to begin my stepwork. I have a lot to be grateful today. Thanks World!!!

An Unrandom Journal Entry - Friday Night 12 June 09

The boundaries around me are limitless. However, I understand the importance of them today. Just yesterday I had the opportunity to cross some lines that I don't need to be crossing, the next thing I know I'm getting a phone call. The phone call reminded me of a task I had previously committed to. After the task was completed I returned to my house. As I lay on my couch in dismay over the poor free throw shooting of Dwight Howard in the NBA Finals, I thought to myself, "damn it feels good to be a home." Home is my safest place. The boundary of my house includes the love of my wife and children. With my family is the most important place for me to be. The love inside my house makes the rest of my life possible. Perhaps there are times when I get bored within that boundary, but it is up to me to look for safe excitement in other places. I can't just go gallavanting off without thinking.
I'm starting to get it, but I'm still not sure if it will work. Some of the things we can think are keeping us alive could be killing our spirit. What do we do if we don't know how to analyze the effects of influences inside our lives. Abstaining from those things can give us more clarity because it allows us to remove ourselves from the influence of our own thinking. All this mind chatter can be a huge pain, I just want to live the right way. If that means I have to let everything I think I want go, then I will do that. There is too much at steak(lol) for me to play foolish games.

Still Abstinent

I didn't know it was possible to de-bone a rotisserie chicken and not eat any in the process, Woot!!!

About Today

"I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in."

-Yeezy

Getting Abstinent

Well getting back to 3 meals a day with nothing in between was way easier than I thought it would be. However, life has changed for me significantly. Recent events are forcing me retool how I approach everyday.

1. No iPod - After the official clean-up of the "Death of a Burning Bush," I asked to the spirits to help me become a more righteous man. I was told to "lose the iPod." I want to fathom want the spirits direct intent is, but I don't think that is important. So, I'm losing the iPod for 90 days. 90 days seems to be a new theme. I hope it works out well.

2. New Sponsor - I have a new OA sponsor. I don't know if it will work, but I already feel my resistance to it. So there is probably some good recovery work coming my way.

3. Rethinking - I can think whatever I want in my own head. However, my actions ultimately guide me in the direction that I want to go. "We cannot think first and act afterward. From the moment of birth we are immersed in action, and can only fitfully guide it by taking thought." -Alfred North Whitehead

Daily Report for Yesterday

brunch-2 plates of food at Mother's Day Breakfast
in the afternoon - a smoothie
dinner-a baby spinach salad, 2 bowls of mushroom alfredo pasta
green light day
e-none

I have been abstinant for over a week now. I think adding a daily 2000 calorie food plan maybe my next step in my physical recovery.

2 meals for the day are now complete. I am heading to school soon. I need to focus on making the right decisions.

Quality Day

Today was a green light day. My higher power intervened when I felt helpless. My consciousness was high, and I was acting instead of reacting all day.

I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why. Is this what sobriety is supposed to feel like? I commit to no food until my next meal.

Do It For Mabel!!!

There is a woman name Mabel that has had a profound effect on the way I feel about my physical recovery. As I have become more complacent in the past 8-9 months I have lost my connection to Mabel. I want that back. So, I am focusing more attention to my physical recovery. Thanks Mabel

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-1 donut and 1 muffing
l-taco, enchilada, chips and guac from GI Forum
in the afternoon - 1 muffin
d-a serving of mushroom alfredo pasta and 2 chicken thighs
after my walk-a sandwich
yellow light day
e-40 min walk with My Breezy YO!

Router Maintenance

I want to work with routers. I love networking. I want a career that I love. Spirits when you are ready I am willing. Until then, I will do what is in front of me for today.

Daily Report

b-yogurt and ks m&m's
l-2 slices of pizza
later on - more m&m's
d-2 bowls of hashbrown casserole
yellow light day
e-none

I'll Make It, You Take It

Brave People Make Things so get excited and make things....

The first five (5) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It'll be done this year (2009).

4. I will not give you any clue what it's going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange.

6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to blog.

7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you.

IMPORTANT: This offer is null and void if I do not see you post your own blog to pay this forward.

This text was used from www.thecreativejar.blogspot.com.
Play nice and make things! It's going to be an adventure!

Daily Report

b-some m&m's and a slices of pizza at work
l- 2 slices and a giantstick
d-10 pieces of fried chicken, 1 biscuit, large dirty rice
at dinner - I gorged myself on easter candy
red light day
e- 3 mile+ walk

Daily Report

b-3 bean tacos
l-footlong from subway and 3 cookies
d-2 vegi mcribs and some fritos
green light day
e-45 min of cardio, 30 min of res trning

Daily Report

b-granola bar and yogurt
after gym- half a granola bar
lunch-4 slices of pizza
d-2 bowls of chicken pesto pasta
at school - 10 starbursts, 4 reese pb cups
after school - bowl of chicken pesto pasta
red light day
e-40 min of cardio, 30 min of resistance training

Daily Report for Yesterday

b-2 biscuit sandwiches from bk
l-dbl cheeseburger and fries
d-black beans and rice, 1/2 a yogurt
later on-bowl of cereal
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b- 2 pb&j's
after gym-granola bar
l-4 chili dogs
later on - half a nutty bar
d-2 french dips
after school-lasagna from work and black beans
yellow light day
e-40 min of cardio, 20 min of res trng

Daily Report

6am-lunch lasagna
10am-2 yogurts
2pm-2 ham and cheese sandwiches
6pm-3 servings of mexican lasagna
yellow light day
e-60 min walk w/ k8

Daily Report

B-1 and 1/2 plates of pancakes, 3 eggs, and 7 strips of bacon
L-granola bar
d-2 grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with raw veggies
dessert-bowl of ice cream
yellow light day
e-45 minutes walk with the family

Daily Report for Yesterday & Today

yesterday
b-2 black bean quesadillas
l-u pick 2 at panera and a cookie
d-2 dbl chz and a snack wrap from mcd
late nite - 3 slices of pizza
yellow light day
e-30 min SM, 25 res trn

today
b-slice of pizza and a cc bar
l-2 slices and a lasagna
d-2 pieces of fish, 2 servings of fries and 2 slices of bread
dessert-waffle cone from GR
yellow light day

Daily Report

b-1 pb&j
l-one slice of pizza, 2 cheesestix, and a lunch lasagna from work
later on-1 pb&j
d-1 cali taco, 2/3 a plate of nachos
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-2 pb&j's
l-2 chicken thighs and rice
in the afternoon - a drumstick
d-1 eggroll, 1 crab rangoon, and 1/2 an order of SFR
green light day
e-none

Exercise

I committed to texting in my exercise at least 4 times this week. So, that means I have to do it.

Reports

tues - feb 24
b- quesdilla
l-2 boca burgers and rice
afternoon snack - a yogurt
d-mini pizza and 5 breadsticks
yellow light day
e- 65 min walk

wed - feb 25
b- quesadilla
l-3 burrito plate
d-3 plates at old country buffet
red light day
e-60 min walk

thurs - feb 26
b - 2 quesadillas
l-2 dbl cheeseburgers and fries from mickey d's
d-3 slices of pizza and 3 breadsticks
yellow light day
e-none

fri - feb 27
b-2 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks
l-2 slices of pizza
in the afternoon - a big taste taco
d- 2 plates at hong hing
yellow light day
e-none

Daily Report

b-bowl of cheesy rice
l-2 giant breadsticks, a slice, and an ind spag
snack - yogurt
d-2 bowls of rice and 2 boca burgers
yellow light day
none