Humility

I have not been humbled by my compulsive overeating lately and cunning, baffling and power food has slipped right back into my life in a dangerous way. Today I accept who I am and what I do. Today I will work towards my goals and not live inside my fear.

Daily Report

b - pb&j and a glass of milk
l - 3 frozen fish fillets, 1 wheat bun, and steamed carrots, & 7 oreo cookies
n btwn - large chili cheese tot from sonic and large vanilla coke
d - 5 slices of pizza

red light day

e - 30 min of Stairmaster, 10 min of elliptical, and some hoops

Daily Report

b - bowl of oatmeal
l - 2 slices of pizza, salad and breadstick
d - 2 sloppy joe's and potato salad

green light day

e - none

Crazy

I told my wife yesterday, "my food has been crazy." Her response, "When was the last time you posted your food?" She stopped me dead in my tracks. No matter how much I hate to admit it, I am a compulsive overeater. Today, in order for me to recover, I need to be posting my food. I don't like to do it because I find it a bother, but making myself review my intake at the end of each is good for me. Writing it out doesn't let me rationalize what I did. I'm honest with my posting and if I don't like what I'm seeing then I need to change how I act. I'm so tired of repeating this process and I'm starting to get angry at myself for not sticking with this posting. I must let go of the angry and focus on the solution, today I will try to do that

Daily Report

b - bowl of cereal w/ milk
l - two boca burgers and steamed carrots, afterwards a bowl of ice cream (1.5 cups) and 4 oreo's
d - 2 big tuna sandwiches and fritos (25-30 chips)

yellow light day

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster, 10 minutes of the elliptical, 15 minutes of shooting hoops

On a Tuesday, April Fool's Day, don't get caught slippin

"On a Tuesday, April Fool's Day, don't get caught slippin..." -Outkast - Decatur Psalm

Wow. I'm glad to post. I'm trying to learn new ways to live, and let go of some of my old habits. It is turning out to be the most frustrating thing I've ever done. I feel my resistance and I'm working on letting it go. The next level of life is waiting for me, and I'm trying to find the staircase.

Today I went to the gym for the second consecutive day, that has not happened in over a month! I feel good. I feel ready for whatever is next.

I'm talking about years and years

I have been questioning what's next for me on this journey of recovery. For the first time since I had been in recovery, my weight went up on my February 15 checkpoint. I have really been trying to focus on school, focus on getting the house in proper order (and maintaining that order), and focus on finding a better ways to parent. In the mean time, I have been so proud of myself for that I've have let other areas of my life slip. This problem that I have is one I'd like to let go of today, and I ask The Spirits to remove this defect of character from me. I want to be able to accept new positive responsibilities and not neglect other responsibilites that are also good for my growth as a person.

Food is not my answer. I know that. I have been acting within that mindframe for the most part, but not always. I need to get clean, all the way clean. I need to define my abstinence with food. So today I need to set that up. I need to have some conversations with people close to me that know about my eating disorder so I can get some help to take a strong step forward.

I bought this book Abstinence from OA and it has been helpful, I plan on continuuing to read it. I can do this one day at a time.

Daily Report

b-2 pbj english muffins
l-2 turkey sandwiches w/ chips and hummus
d-bowl of cereal, 2 boca burgers
green light day
e-none

Daily Reports

MON
b-bowl of cereal
l-2 servings of mexican lasagna, chips and a marshmallow bar
d-5 slices of pizza & 1 breadstick
green light day
e-none

TUES
b-3 donuts & milk
l-half a sandwich & soup from panera
d-two bowls or chicken and rice, a marshmallow bars and a side of rice
yellow light day
e-none

Room 4 Improvement

Thank goodness that recovering doesn't mean recovered. I hope it never does; I don't think it will. Today I ask the spirits to give me the strength to say yes to what I need to do in my life, even if it seems to overwhelming or to tedious. I see so many areas of life that need fixing sometimes I lose focus of the things right in front of me that help me get better. Today I need to focus on those things.

Daily Reports

TUES
b-pasta with meatballs
later on - 2 donuts
l-more pasta with meatballs
d-1 dbl cheeseburger, 1 and 1/2 rodeo cheeseburgers, and a king fry from BK
Red Light Day
e-30 minutes Stairmaster, and resistance training at 24HF

WED
b-can't remember
l-can't remeber
d-6 slices of pizza
Red Light Dinner
e-none

THUR
b-bacon, egg and cheese bagel from UNO student center
l-15 sausage cheese balls and a lettuce and tomato salad (4 balls would have been plenty)
d-2 servings of Mexican Lasagna and some Fritos
red light day
e-none

FRI
b-bowl of cereal
l-2 turkey sandwiches w/ fritos and hummus
d-Falafel w/ fries and 1/3 of my wife's leftover falafel
later on - king size m&m's
yellow light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of resistance training @ 24HF

SAT
b-bowl of cereal
l-7 layer burrito, chicken taco, baja bean chalupa and a rice from taco bell
d- 2 servings chicken fried rice
later on - sonice blast
yellow light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of resistance training @ 24HF

SUN - SUPERBOWL MADNESS
b-bowl of cereal
l-bowl of chili, 10 lil smokies, 2 cups of 6 bean salad, and 1 cup of fruit salsa w/ cinnamon chips
d-8 chicken wings & a big plate of blue corn chili cheese nachos
later on - a slice of triple chocolate cake
red light day
e-30 minutes of Stairmaster and 20 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24HF

Daily Report

B - bowl of cereal
L - 2 salmon patties with rice and baby spinach
D - 2 bowls of pasta and meatballs
dessert - sonic blast

green light day

e - 30 minutes of stairmaster @ 24 HF and 20 minutes of hoops

Daily Reports

THURS

b - 2 granola bars and milk
l - taco and some nachos
d (@ work) - turkey and stuffing, later on some 3 breadstix and a piece of pecan pie

yellow light day

e - none

FRI

b - nothing (I forgot!)
l - turkey and stuffing that I took home from work
snack - 2 cookies from whole foods
d - crab dip w/ crackers

green light day



SAT

b - 1 and 1/2 turkey and cheese sandwich at home
l -jimmy john's sandwich
later on at work - 6 breadstix and an individual spaghetti
d - 3 slices of pizza and 2 breadstix

red light day

e - 30 min of StairMaster and weight resistance @ 24 HF


SUN

b - bowl of cereal
l - 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza, a breadstick, and some turkey and stuffing
d - 1 and 1/2 bowls of white sauce pasta and some walnuts

green light day

e - not yet

Daily Report

b- 1 pbj sandwich and 1/2 a bowl of cereal
later on - 3 nutri-grain bars
l-anger whopper, rodeo cheeseburger, 1/3 king size fry
d- 2 bowls of general chicken with rice and broccoli

yellow light day

e - none

Craptacular Food Days

I just had two real shitty food days. I have purchased donuts 4 out of the last 8 days for myself. I commit to stopping that right now. I must not run, that's what I have been doing since school started. I am not feeling willing to put in the work. Realizing that now I am going upstairs to my room to do homework. A man that is not prepared can never be ready. I said that to my dad almost 12 years ago before I got on a plane and came back to Nebraska. My time to prepare is now.

Daily Report Mon & Today

MON

B - bowl of cereal
L - Smotherd Pork Chop Special at Big Mama's Kitchen
n between lunch and dinner - 2 donuts and my left over Red Lobster from Sunday
D - Plate of nachos, fritos scoops with the beans and cheese after that
later on at my work X-Mas Party - some turkey and stuffing and pineapple

Red Light Day

e - 30 minutes of StairMaster and 20 of hoops @ 24HF


TUES

B - 2 english muffins
L - 2 servings of mexican lasagna with chips and dip
later on - 2 donuts
D - Falafel sandwich and some fries

Red Light Day

e - none

Daily Report

b-skillet at VI with multigrain pancakes
d-admiral's feast @ Red Lobster
dessert - blondie brownie w/ a scoop of ice cream

yellow light day

e - 30 stairmaster, leg resistance training

Let's Make a Deal!

So I have not been posting my food on a regular basis, and I intended for that to continue to be the case. The reason for that is my food has not been a problem for me. I'm not saying that I am no longer a compulsive eater. I'm just saying that I have been taking the proper steps to make sure my compulsion is not kicking my ass everyday. However, it seems that my mommy really enjoys reading my daily reports. Well I've been trying to get my mom to just think about journaling her food; she refuses. So I made a deal with her, I continue to blog my food if she journals hers and reports it to me. It is about accountability with other people that gets us better. None of us can do it alone. Letting pride, fear, embearassment, or anything else get in the way of our recovery means we are not being true to ourselves. I want to reveal my true self; not only to me, but to the world. I want my family to happy, healthy, and progressive. I have to become the change I want to see. I will continue to do that with the guidance of the people I trust with my life everyday.

Daily Report for Fri & Sat

Friday
early in the am - 2 donuts
breakfast - bowl of cereal
lunch - double cheeseburger & fries
dinner - fire spinach with rice
dessert - sonic blast
yellow light day
exercise - none

Saturday
breakfast - bowl of cereal
lunch - 2 grilled cheese and half a bowl of tomato soup
dinner - 3 tostadas, 1 taco, about 10 frito scoops with some beans and cheese
green light day
exercise - 30 minutes of StairMaster & 20 minutes of shooting hoops @ 24HF

The Experience of Recovery

I want to get more of myself into this blog. I have been struggling to get to it as of late. This blog is a good thing for me to have. I need to express a more personal side here. I want to find more people looking for recovery in a positive way. I want people with me that want to be honest, fearless and thorough. I'm not looking to drag anyone or listen to their bullshit.